The Heraldy Press

Mrs. Doubtfire.

A 47-year-old hedge fund manager faces being deported from Ireland, due, he claims, to the fact that he doesn’t enjoy popular television show, ‘Mrs. Brown’s Boys’. Pablo Dominguez-Burke (he’d an ‘aunt’ from Bolivia) from Finglas, north Dublin, says that it was an off-the-cuff remark in an elevator at work that set off a chain of events, leading to a letter from the immigration services, requesting that he call to their offices for an urgent meeting regarding his Irish citizenship, or as Pablo worded it; ‘About gettin’ arsed out of the bleedin’ country again, to be sure, so I am’.

Speaking with The Heraldy Press, Pablo said; ‘I was in the lift at work, when one of the cleaners said to his colleague, and, I can’t do the accent, but sure, yiz’ll be writin’ this anyway, so you won’t be able to tell the accent so it doesn’t matter, but he said; “Ah Jayziz, did yeh see ‘Mrs. Brown’s Boys’ last night? Wasn’t it brilliant the way she was carryin’ on and doing things that were really funny and all?’ I then merely tutted and rolled my eyes, though that was in relation to the lift’s doors not closing quickly enough, not a reflection on the cleaner’s choice in Irish comedy”.

A reformed cat-burglar with 83 previous convictions, Pablo mended his ways to go on to study chartered accountancy at ‘some college down in the countryside’ (his words), before developing his interest in international banking and the funding of hedges. He has denied not being a lover of the show and not having a sense of humor, claiming that he is a massive comedy fan, enjoying legends of fun like British ’80s stars Little and Large and Cannon and Ball, ‘all the funny ads off the telly’, and especially ‘them redneck lads what do say funny things about lawnmowers and having long hair at the back’.

‘Mrs. Brown’s Boys’, a comedy created during the first Russian Revolution and shown twice on the hour on all 83 Irish channels ever since, was recently reported to have a global audience of 109 billion, and is particularly popular with people who don’t like other stuff, and lads who are in jail for doing mad things.

Sean Driscoll, a representative for the Irish Immigration Services, when asked by The Heraldy Press about the allegations regarding Mr. Dominguez-Burke’s status in the country said; ‘What?’ When we repeated the question, he replied; ‘Ah here, would you stop’.

Incidentally, Pablo’s attempt at taking off the ‘working class’ accent of the lad in the elevator was indeed atrocious.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture by Fidelma’s Hair Creations and Salads.

A veteran Irish meteorologist based in Missouri has gotten into trouble with his employers, after forecasting what he described as; ‘A soft oul’ day, thanks be to God’. Gerry Riordan, a 78-year-old weatherman who has worked at WKRC St. Louis for almost four hours, claimed that it was a mere; ‘Slip of the oul’ tongue, for the love of jayziz’, and meant no harm by the comment. The switchboard at the station is said to have been jammed, with operator Betty Dingle (91), being forced to work overtime to deal with almost seven complaints from a disgusted, harassed and shocked public.

A ‘soft day’, is, in the Irish vernacular, a term describing weather which is not quite dry, and not totally wet, usually a slightly misty day, with an occasional threat of rain, but still a chance of sunshine. It was however, too much to take for some viewers of the station, with local man Henry Jacobsen (14) claiming: ‘I didn’t actually see the broadcast, I was out on my skateboard, so you’d be better off asking someone else’.

It’s not the first time Riordan has hit the headlines. In 1953, he came second in a talent contest in Copenhagen with his version of one of Kelly Clarkson’s earlier hits, while in the early ’60s he was suspended without pay from his job as weatherman with Radio Nairobi, when telling listeners; ‘Surprise surbastardprize folks, it’s another sweltering afternoon in Nairobi’. He was also criticized for telling listeners of his satisfaction upon hearing that lightening had struck the home of his third wife Elaine Bagnall (22), of Wexford, partially destroying her collection of antique lampshades.

Among his more memorable quotes while announcing the weather on various television and radio channels over the years have been: ‘It’s hot as Satan’s underpants drawer here in Mullingar today’, a mistake as he was employed by Sri Lankan Airways at the time, and ‘Hurricane season has been cancelled for this year, ah no, I’m only messin’, yiz are all ****ed.’ Mr. Riordan is to be suspended from WKRC for the rest of the afternoon, though we wrote this yesterday, so he’s most likely back by now.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture by Dorothy’s Nails and Tangerines. 

Ah Here, Leave It Out.

In a somewhat surprising move, members of Dublin City Council have voted the expression; ‘Ah Here, Leave It Out’ as the official motto for Dublin City and County, and from January 21st, the phrase will appear on all legal Dublin documentation, replacing; ‘Story, Bud’, which has been a staple of the Dublin language since 1746. The wording will also be seen on flags, bus and train schedules, decorative items (such as ashtrays, beer glasses, toothbrushes, t-shirts etc), advertizing hoardings and tracksuits. The expression has already been phased in throughout certain sections of the county, with one housing estate in east Blanchardstown and residents of a small field on the outskirts of Castleknock already having accepted it following an online poll.

The saying came in with 83% of the total vote, though Enda Kenny’s Government allowed residents of certain towns to vote as often as they liked, allegedly to make up for the recently-introduced controversial laws banning the racing of piebald ponies in built-up areas, as well as a partial ban on the sale of horsemeat in those same areas. When asked to give an opinion on the matter, local ‘livestock merchant’,  Buttons ‘Dermot’ McCabe (43), said: ‘I will in me hole’.

Other sayings suggested as the county’s official motto were ‘Where The Girls Are So Pretty’, nominated by the Dublin Society for the Partially-Sighted, ‘Come On You Boys in Blue’ by the Gardai Siochana (Dublin division), ‘Get Out of that Garden’, put forward by Deco, Macker and Henno from Ballyer, and ‘Meath is a Dirty Oul’ Kip’, also by Deco, Macker and Henno.

The phrase, believed to have been derived from the saying: ‘Ah for the love of Jayziz, will yeh cop on and leave it out’, was first heard in its entirety in the summer of 1976, as the Montreal Olympics were in full swing, and Ireland were winning nothing; ‘As per bleedin’ usual’, according to one local sportswriter. Apologies for the unnecessary use of the word ‘bleedin’, there, but there’s no backspace on this keyboard, so we must simply press on. With Dublin leading the way in the nation’s sports, politics, media and cross-dressing karaoke restaurants, it was only natural that it be the first county to move with the times and introduce a new motto to herald in 2015.

Words by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Damian Falstaff. 

1. You appreciate the work of Yeats. Years ago, you didn’t even know what a ‘Yeat’ was.

2. It probably won’t make you sweat, it could however, make you jump. Hence, it’s a ‘jumper’, not a ‘sweater’.

3. There’s a slight chance that you now know who Val Doonican is.

4. You know f***-all about golf, but Rory McIlroy is the best player ever to play the game. Much better than those Jake Nicholls or Albert Palmer lads.

5. You used to wonder why there were so many green, white and orange things in your home.

6. Not so long ago, you thought 1916 was how army dudes said quarter past seven.

7. Your partner is allowed laugh at, ridicule, mimic, insult and degrade Irish people, things, places, habits, customs, history, culture or food. You do it and you’re dead.

8. You’re starting to get Tommy Tiernan’s ‘Navan’ references.

9. You’d never heard the word ‘ecumenical’ before watching ‘Father Ted’ and now you know all about; hairy hands syndrome, a lovely horse, Pat Mustard and micro-cakes.

10. You can name a Cranberries song other than ‘Zombie’.

11. You’re not sure whether Sinead O’Connor is a tortured artistic genius or a mad oul’ badger, and you’re too afraid to ask.

12. You’ve watched your partner proudly drink Guinness in front of Americans/Brits/New Zealanders and Equitorial Guineans, but he/she really can’t stand the stuff.

13. Nowadays, rather than stare in dumbstruck awe when someone says ‘Sure, ’tis a soft oul’ day thank God’, you nod and say; ‘Aye’.

14. You can quote lines from; ‘The Field’, ‘The Snapper’, ‘The Commitments’ and ‘In The Name of the Father’.

15. You, or your partner, has never; ‘Come into the parlour’, and would probably be afraid to.

16. You’re almost positive ‘Day-Lewis’ is an Irish name, but you’re not 100%, and sure, there’s nobody to ask without looking like a right eejit.

17. You can spell ‘Tiocfaidh Ar La’ better than most people who scrawl it on the bathroom walls in bars across New York/London/Sydney/Papua New Guinea.

18. You’re still not sure whether the ‘Shillelagh’ is a winged mammal, stringed instrument or weapon of mass destruction.

19. You will not ask for ‘a dash of blackcurrant’ in your pint while your partner is within earshot.

20. Like your partner, you know the choruses to every Irish ballad song ever written, because they don’t have verses. Hang on, what?

21. You’ve learned that a wedding reception isn’t over, until nine hours after the bar closes and every song ever written has been butchered by a drunken uncle, who knows an average of nine words from every song.

22. You know that the above uncle wasn’t drunk. He was stocious, hammered, manky or ossified. Not merely three sheets to the wind.

23. When your partner says she/he saw U2 play at the Dandelion Market in Dublin where only 14 other people attended, you just keep your opinions to yourself if you know what’s good for you.

24. Ballygobackwards isn’t a real place, and mahogany gaspipes aren’t real things.

25. You just might know who used to say ‘Roll it there Collette’ and later, ‘Roll it there Roisin’. And it wasn’t Bob Marley when he visited Wexford.

25(a) You know that Gabriel Byrne and Gay Byrne are different people.

26. You know that Peter O’Toole, Spike Milligan, The Edge, Saint Patrick and Jack Charlton weren’t Irish. You also know not to bring it up.