Archive for September, 2014

U2’s Apple Album Annoys Crap Irish Bands

Tuesday, September 16th, 2014
Some U2-type lads, a few years ago.

Some U2-type lads, a few years ago.

As The Heraldy Press was going to print, or at least, online, a week ago last Tuesday morning, nine bands, most of them fairly useless, had complained about U2 hogging all the headlines with their free album giveaway to anybody with an iPhone, iPad, iPod or iHairdryer. The Irish act’s latest album; ‘Songs of Innocence’, was given free earlier this month to the approximately 2.5billion owners of products beginning with a small ‘i’ (excluding but not exclusive to: ingrowing toenail removers, imitation mustache growers, illiteracy-conquering manuals etc).

A spokesperson for ‘Irish Artists Occasionally Opposed to Bono and The Lads’, Fernando O’Hagan, from Ballyjamesduff, County Cavan, who asked to remain anonymous, said; ‘Ah jayziz, sure that’s desperate carry-on’. The band’s 13th studio album is the first which they’ve chosen to go such a route, though a spokesperson for the band claimed that they’d inquired with iTunes back in 1979 for a similar such venture, but it took 24 years for some bloke to think up the idea for the company, then get around to answering the phone to the lads.

Jason Flavin, part-time trombonist and exotic dancer with Leitrim’s ninth biggest-selling jazz/funk outfit, The Hounds of Desire, claimed that it was a clever move by U2, but not an original one; ‘They’re a fine band, and I said ten years ago that they were destined to be big, but this idea is not new. We gave away copies of our first album, ‘Sensual Adventures in Eastern Offaly’ to most of the local petrol stations and garden centers in the midlands and parts of Donegal back in the late ’60s’. When asked whether this was a successful venture, Jason said; ‘Nah, most of them were f***ed in the bin and the band split up’.

U2, a four-piece rock act from Dublin, though often claimed by Cork-folk to hail from Bantry, Clonakilty or Mallow (an early song, ‘Stranger in a Strange Land’ was misread by a former Cork lady mayor as ‘Langer in a Strange Land’, hence the confusion) are not expected to comment upon the issue, due mainly to the fact that most of the artists who have voiced their concern over the issue, being, as one fan, Seamus De Vasquez-Burke, from Edenderry, said; ‘A bag of oul’ shite’.

The band’s move has also been criticized by other individuals, in particular, those guys you see in Starbucks with no coffee, because they’ve just finished their Vendi Half-Frap Pumpkin Lightly Foamed Fully Skimmed Soy Latte, writing their screenplays on one of their eleven Apple devices. We asked one such individual for his opinion, but we didn’t really know what he was on about so we pretended a pebble from a passing cement truck had gotten lodged in our ear and we ran off crying.

Words By Bosco Coppell, Picture by Harriet’s Street Lighting and Crumpets. 

Gays Allowed in NYC Parade But Brits Banned

Thursday, September 4th, 2014

A flag, which is probably gay, yesterday.

Gays are to be allowed march under their own banner at New York City’s Saint Patrick’s Day Parade for the first time, following a landmark agreement between the parade’s organizers, officials from the city’s Gay Pride movement and the Woodlawn branch of The Pet Shop Boys fan club.

Before now, members of various Irish-themed gay and lesbian groups had to march underneath other organizations’ banners, which caused much embarrassment to all concerned, especially when they were requested to march alongside the Brooklyn Plumbers Union, or worse, mingled with the Roscommon Ladies Gaelic Footballers.

The agreement however, does come with a price, and that is, while gays will be allowed march, British people, or indeed, individuals who look, sound, smell or act British, will not. That means that Geordies, Scousers, Mancs, Cockneys, Mackems, Brummies and folk from the more glamorous regions of Doncaster, Rochdale and Scunthorpe, will be forced to either to hide their accent and pretend to be gay, or just wait for the St Finbarr’s Parade in 2031 instead. Finbarr, a semi-skilled carpenter from Mayo, is scheduled to become the patron saint of The Bronx, but as we were going to press, he was still alive.

The anti-British sentiment is thought to have originated several weeks ago when Irish members of the clergy in New York realized that an English lad invented Protestantism and Presbyterianism, while another discovered the Spice Girls.

The parade has been in existence since 1977, the time of disco, and the year that the first gay Irish man is reported to have arrived on Manhattan’s lower east side. That man, Bernie Hodges, has since left New York and relocated to the more gay-friendly east coast of Donegal, after a successful career as an accordionist with a Frankie Goes to Hollywood tribute band.

The Heraldy Press spoke with one of the parade’s chief organizers, south Wexford native, Hector Dominguez (19), who claimed that it was an important step in homoerotic relations between Irish men and women, and their gay counterparts. Said Hector; ‘To be sure, aye, ’tis a time of craic and sure if anyone knows anything about havin’ an oul’ bit of craic, sure it’s the gays. I don’t personally know any, and I’m definitely not a gay, I love women me, and I never had Ricky Martin stickers on my gym locker neither, so there’s no point even checking. No seriously, don’t check’.

Gays are now the fifth-fastest growing sub-section of New York life, just behind cupcake stores, Mexicans, those annoying people who jog on the spot at traffic intersections in Manhattan, and people who bum smokes off you even though they don’t smoke normally. Meanwhile, news of this historic event has reached all corners of the globe (even though the globe is round), with The Heraldy Press receiving congratulatory emails from gay organizations from Sligo, Wicklow, Leitrim (both east and southeast) and Kuala Lumpur. Even though we’re not gay ourselves. No seriously, we’re not, sure we used to watch Baywatch and everything.

Words by Bosco Coppell. Picture courtesy of Earrings and Trinkets by Deborah.