Archive for April, 2016

Trump Considering Eastern Wall to Keep Irish Out

Saturday, April 16th, 2016

(Left to Right) Unidentified Orange Object, Donald Trump.

A representative for Donald Trump has refused to deny claims that the tycoon is considering the construction of a wall on the US’s east coast, to prevent Irish immigrants from entering the country illegally. The controversial presidential-hopeful has already angered millions of immigrants, particularly those who don’t own ladders, by claiming he will build a wall along the border between Mexico and the US, to stem immigration to the US, if elected President.

The Trump camp claims that such immigrants are keeping vital in-demand careers, such as desirable positions in the fields of potato-peeling, fruit-picking, pot-washing, tyre-pumping and advanced orthodontistry, from hard-working Americans, such as the wives and ex-girlfriends of his who weren’t from the Czech Republic. His idea for a wall along the Canadian border however, has arrived several years too late, as Canadians such as Ted Cruz and Celine Dion have already moved to the US.

A wall running from upstate New York, down to Florida’s panhandle, would, he suggested, prevent Irish immigrants from landing in the US, unless of course, they decided to fly into the country, rather than arrive by boat, which could initially cause problems. Trump-supporter Sarah Palin, has suggested building another wall, along the border of Ireland and North Dakota, to prevent leprechauns from stealing American jobs at Disneyland. Palin went on to use the Great Wall of China as an example. ‘Lookee what happened there, you don’t see folks from New Zealand or Westmeath pitchin’ their wagons and climbing over the Great Wall of Chicago’.

Should the eastern wall go ahead, there are 812 construction firms battling for the contract, one from Paraguay, the rest from County Offaly.



NYC’s Museum of Modern Art Seeks Lucan’s ‘Garbage Artists’ for Display

Friday, April 15th, 2016

‘Chillin’ In Me Outside Gaff’ (Artist unknown).

In what has been described as a surprising move in the arts world, New York City’s Museum of Modern Art could soon be including among its display, a work by an unknown, but highly-regarded artist from County Dublin. In recent days, a four-dimensional piece, provisionally titled, according to a representative for the mysterious sculptor; ‘Chillin’ In Me Outside Gaff’, has been whipping up an artistic storm in creative circles, both nationally, and globally.

An assistant curator at the prestigious New York artistic hub, Dr. Harvey Goldberg, claimed that such an example of simplistic originality was rare during this practically artless era, where a vacuum of such intensity may well be filled by creative wizards such as the Lucan-based phenomenon, who so far, is known only as ‘Anto’. The piece, comprising of a number of ‘living room’ type objects, such as a couch, easy chair, lamp and side-table, have been arranged at an outdoor spot in Lucan. The scene is popular with courting couples, lads who do dump stuff where they shouldn’t be dumping it, and blokes who do be legging it from the Gardai after doing something unsavory in the village, like breaking stuff, or not paying for their snackboxes and running off.

An appeal has been launched by the museum, to determine the artist’s identity, especially before them lads over at the Louvre (the Paris one, not the one in Wexford), get wind of the situation, as there have been several French accents heard recently on Tandy’s Lane, discussing the positioning of some discarded Monster Munch bags.

Tiffany from Eastenders to Buy Foxhunter Site

Thursday, April 14th, 2016

Martine McCutcheon

Following the recent news that consumer giant Avoca would not be opening a retail outlet in Lucan, it has been rumored that another illustrious name may be interested in investing in the site. Martine McCutcheon, the actress who played Tiffany Mitchell on BBC soap opera ‘Eastenders’, is said to be expanding her agricultural machinery empire, and a Lucan plant may be in her plans. McCutcheon starred in ‘Eastenders’ for 36 years, leaving just before her 55th birthday, in 2003. In the series, her character was killed off when she was thrown from a hot-air balloon by boxing promoter Dot Cotton. A popular addition to the show, she had several traumatic storylines, such as when she gave birth to septuplets, several of whom weren’t hers, marrying ‘bad boy’ Ken Barlow, and her ongoing feud with Compo from ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. Recently spotted clubbing with Patsy Palmer, who played her pal Bianca Jackson on the show, and Morgan Freeman, McCutcheon is no stranger to Lucan, having driven through it twice in the late ’80s. If the sale goes ahead, it will be her 48th such agricultural machinery plant, though all the others are based in Kilcock. – By Brian Hagan.