Archive for December, 2015

Owner of ‘Burton Boat’ Denies Any ‘Bollock-Acting’.

Thursday, December 31st, 2015

The ‘Tainted Gibbon’, just before setting sail on its maiden voyage in County Kilkenny.

The owner of ‘The Tainted Gibbon’, the sailing vessel which occasional politician Joan Burton fell from on Tuesday last, has denied any wrongdoing,and claimed that any damage must be paid for by the Irish Government, or, as he was quoted himself; ‘By yer one what broke me boat by fallin’ inteh the oul’ water’. Dessie Gilbert, a native of Lucan, County Dublin, has been in the boat-hire business since Tuesday last, and rented the kayak, a 12-foot vessel with, according to Mr. Gilbert, a kitchen, four beds, washer/dryer, microwave and trampoline, to the Labour Party the day before the incident, obtaining a nine Euro deposit for the rental. The horrific crash however, has left damage to the boat at a cost of almost 92,000 Euro, not including labor costs to, as Mr. Gilbert put it; ‘Fix that dirty oul’ hole what the water keeps coming in and making the carpets all damp’. He also claims that all the kayak’s supposed luxuries, such as the aforementioned washer/dryer and trampoline, a snooker table, a toasted sandwich maker and an egg-whisk, have not been recovered from the murky waters which the ship capsized into. Mrs Burton was unavailable for comment, but one man who witnessed the entire incident unfold said; ‘Stop lookin’ at me, I seen nothin’.

Guy Who Got Into Metal Two Weeks Ago Distraught as Lenny from Radiohead Dies

Tuesday, December 29th, 2015

A heavy metal fan, last week some time.

A self-described ‘metal head’ from County Longford is said to be in mourning, following the tragic passing of rock icon Lenny, from Radiohead. Declan Flavin (29), with an address that made little sense to the trained eye, claimed to have over 40 hard rock songs on his iPod, and when his brother gives him back his Dire Straits “Sultans of Swing” tape, that total will edge towards 51, once he figures out how to get cassettes onto his laptop. “I’ve been into metal and rock since this weeks, but sure, Black Sabbath or the Deaf Leopards, they never tour the Irish midlands, so I gave artists who do play that easy listening oul’ country shite a chance first, as them oul bollockses do be always playing the halls around here, so they are, like”. When told of the tragic passing of Lemmy, from Motorhead, Flavin corrected us and said that it was Lenny; “Sure what’s Lemmy short for, Lembert? Cop on, would yeh?”