Archive for February, 2015

Irish Dancer Denies Madonna Stumble Caused by New Hips

Thursday, February 26th, 2015
2003 MTV Video Music Awards - Backstage and Audience

One of these is more than likely Madonna. The other one is the one from The Cranberries, or Philomena Begley probably. 

An Irish-born representative for Madonna last night denied that the singer’s well-publicized stumble at music’s Brit Awards in London over the weekend was due to complications from having both of her hips recently replaced, one with a newer aluminium model to assist her with more challenging dance moves, the other with a humpback whale’s vagina, designed for other unspecified reasons.

The spokesperson, Dermot Flavin (59), a dancer who has worked with the star since her ‘True Blue’ period back in the late 1980s, joked that the star’s awkward fall was more to do with one of her accompanying dancers having probably had a few too many mojitos before the show, rather than it being the fault of his perfectionist boss. ‘It was probably due to one of the dancers having one too many, oh, you mentioned that already’, said Flavin.

The fall, which occurred during the opening sequence to her new song, ‘Living For Love’, was at first thought to have been deliberate, coinciding as it did with the lyric; ‘I do sometimes fall down stairs backwards after having had a few oul’ pints’, though she herself admitted later that it was most likely due to her cape, which was to be pulled from her by one of her dancers, being tied too tightly. Twenty-three of Madonna’s cape-tightening team have subsequently disappeared, while another two have been located in Mexico and Roscommon, bringing to mind the great ‘wrong shade of orange leg-warmer’ purge of ’88, when 112 assistants were exiled for various calfwear mishaps while on tour in Portugal.

A youTube clip of the incident has, at the time of going to press, been viewed over 19million times, making it the 7th most popular youTube clip of all-time in Ireland. One individual, Mr. Jason Spratt (72), a plasterer from Kilkenny, has watched it an incredible 9,412 times, despite only having dial-up internet services in his mobile home in a remote field in the Wicklow Mountains. ‘I do like watching Madonna’, he said. ‘And people fallin’ down stairs’, he added.

Most Viewed YouTube Clips in Irish History

1) ‘Charlie bit my finger (again)’.

2) Foster and Allen kissing backstage at the Tullamore Craic Festival in 1972. 

3) Kim Kardashian taking arsies (selfies of her bum).

4) Giggling Australian quintuplets.

5) Drunken Limerick student wearing a stupid hat falling down a hill repeatedly. 

6) Mayo nearly winning the All-Ireland Senior Football Championship in ”89, 96, ’97, ’04, ’06 and ’13.

7) Madonna falling at the Brit Awards.

8) Speeded-up clip of Josef Stalin set to ‘Riverdance’ music.

9) An oul’ one shouting ‘Ah here, leave it fu**in’ out’ at two lads fighting in Dublin.

10)  A young lad getting caught robbing trainers (sneakers) and being headbutted repeatedly by his mother at The Liffey Valley Shopping Centre in Dublin .

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture kindly loaned by the Enniscorthy Museum of Ostriches and Other Exotic Birds. 

At The Mike Stand with Brona Crehan.  

Sunday, February 15th, 2015

‘Pillow On The Stairs’ playwright, Brona Crehan.

Brona Crehan may not be the first playwright to cause a splash in Irish literary circles, she may not even be the first New York-based writer to contribute a ripple or two to the great raging ocean that is Irish drama. She is however, one that is making some considerable waves these days as far as writing and performing in the Big Apple is concerned. And yes, we’re aware that we’ve used a lot of water-based references, but you see, we had them left over from when we reviewed that short-lived ‘Orange Submarine’ extravaganza a few weeks back. Anyway, Brona’s play, ‘Pillow On The Stairs’, currently showing at The Cell (338 West 23rd Street, between 8th and 9th Avenue), an eagerly-awaited production directed by John Keating (and starring Brona, Jacqueline Kealy and John McConnell), has proven to be an exciting performance fully deserving of its rave reviews, with many attendees already looking forward to this compelling writer’s next work. ‘Pillow on the Stairs’ is playing February 18,19,20,25,26,27 & 28, and all shows for the hour-long performance are at 7pm.  For tickets, call (800)838-3006, or online at Brona, welcome to At The Mike Stand.

By Michael Fitzpatrick.

What would you like your own tribute act to be called?

Queen.  Oh, wait a minute – that’s been done – right?

What song would you most like to have written?

‘The Long and Winding Road’.  Sad songs are my thing.  Cheaper than going to therapy!  I also wouldn’t mind being responsible for (what turned out to be) The Beatles’ last hit.

Who’s your favorite namesake?

There aren’t that many Bronas around.  Can I pass on that one?  I never liked my name growing up because it was unusual and I always had to repeat it when someone asked me my name.  Now I love it because of its uniqueness.   I did like Bronagh Gallagher in The Commitments though.

Who’s your favorite character from literature?

Hedwig, Harry Potter’s owl.  I love owls, I think they are beautiful, especially the snowy owls.  Hedwig means female warrior in Norwegian I believe.  Sounds good to me!

What’s the greatest place you’ve visited?

Greece, although I haven’t been yet.  I’ve been promised a trip for my 50th – quite a few years away of course, but no doubt it will be here before I know it.  I was supposed to go for my 40th but had a three month old baby at that point so that sort of put a different spin on things.

Who would you most like to meet/have met?

Can I change that slightly?  To who would I like to meet again?  I’d like to see my dad again.  There are so many things I would say to him and tell him if I had my time over.  I’d give anything for him to be able to meet my two little men.

When’s the last time you laughed out loud?

This morning, my kids crack me up every day.

What act would you like to have seen perform live?

I’d love, love, love to have seen Elvis live in Vegas.  Or Les Dawson, apparently he always wanted to be featured on “An Audience With…’ but died before he could.  In 2013 he appeared on it as a hologram!  It was very clever and cool.

What team(s) do you support?

You don’t know me at all do you?  There’s a Liverpool supporter in my house.  My husband is a fan.  The boys are getting interested now too and curse at the TV just as much as he does.

What period in history would you most like to have visited?

1950’s Hollywood.  My idea of and desire to live in the US was formed by watching American movies as a kid. I was fascinated by the stars of the 50s, Ava Gardner, Vivien Leigh, Bette Davis, Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor, Gary Cooper, James Mason, Robert Mitchum (my favorite actor), Richard Burton – all of them.  I’d love to have been around then.

Who or what, would make you leave a room?

I don’t know really.  I’m curious by nature so not sure who or what would get my goat enough to make me leave a room.  I suppose if someone insulted me or my family, I might leave.

Have you ever walked out on a movie?

No.  I wanted to walk out of a few but didn’t because I was with other people.  Nightmare on Elm Street is one, I hated it.  I’m showing my age now, aren’t I?

What movie/TV/literature can you identify with?

Marge Simpson, the strong matriarch and because her full name is Marjorie Jacqueline Simpson (nee Bouvier)!  And it helps that she just doesn’t age..

What movie role would you like to have played/play?

Cleopatra in the movie or Wonder Woman in the TV show.  Or the bionic woman maybe.. You’ve figured out how old I am now – haven’t you?

Who do people say you look like?

When I wore my hair long I was told I looked like Monica Lewinsky, Rosie O’Donnell and Linda Carter.  Now that it’s short, some people have said Victoria Beckham.  I’m fine with Wonder Woman.

What’s the first album you remember buying?

‘Nightflight to Venus’ by Boney M.  To be more accurate, it was bought for me.  I wanted the soundtrack to Grease but my mum was a Boney M fan so we got ‘Nightflight to Venus’.  It grew on me, eventually.

Who’s your favorite Beatle?

I go through phases on that one.  Sometimes John and sometimes Paul.  John was the more intellectual of the two I think whereas Paul might have had the edge on the upbeat hits.  Together they were dynamite.  I don’t know, it’s a toss-up between the two.

What’s your favorite Christmas song?

‘Same Old Lang Syne’ by Dan Fogelberg.   More so because I believe it is autobiographical.

Who’s the most rock and roll person who ever lived?

My granny, Moll.  She lived to be 102 and just passed away in 2013.  I miss her every day.  She was great and had a huge influence on me.  She was very with it even up until she died, had her own cellphone and knew her way around it.  I’d say she’d have been good with email too if her cataracts didn’t give her trouble.

What artist/song/genre do you secretly enjoy listening to?

Megan Traynor.  My 8 and 6 year old sons love it when I don’t change the station when she comes on.

What book can you read again and again?

No book.  I just can’t.  Once I’ve read it, I’ve read it.

Who Would Be In Your Supergroup?

Depends on what you mean by Supergroup.  If it is a collection of super people then I would have to say my hubby, my kids, my mum, siblings and my good friends, that’s all I need.  If it is a pop group then I’d take Sam Smith, Lennon and McCartney, Annie Lennox and me.  Ah, go on, throw Megan Traynor in there too, just to make it an even mix.

What movie can you watch over and over again?

Pretty much the same scenario as the book option.  I find it hard to read/watch something I already know about.

Who’s your favorite cartoon character?

I must be the weirdest person.  I don’t like cartoons.  My brother loved Tom and Jerry as a kid and I hated it.  They used to stress me out, one trying to kill the other and the other one trying to outwit him.  Terrible.  I was a very anxious child because of those two!

What’s mankind’s most wonderful invention?

The cellphone.

What’s mankind’s most irritating invention?

The cellphone.

What actor would play you in a movie about your life?

This is a total vanity fest isn’t it?  Hmm…  My life had better get a bit more interesting before the movie guys come calling.   BUT, if someone did, then Sandra Bullock please.

Who is the most irritating character in literature/movies/television history?

Spongebob.  I hate the little fecker.


Kanye Warned Not to Act The Bollocks at Irish Music Awards

Wednesday, February 11th, 2015

A Kanye West, Yesterday.

An American rapper has been warned of his behavior and instructed that his recent run of controversial antics must come to an end, should he wish to sit at one of the top tables at this year’s Irish Music Awards. Kanye West, fresh from an incident at last week’s Grammy Awards, where he suggested that ‘Best Album’ winner Beck, should give his award to Beyonce, was criticized by no less a personality than former musician Mr. Dermot McHugh, who is on the organizational committee for this year’s IMAs.

McHugh, an accomplished keyboardist who toured with Johnny Logan (before Logan was the globally-recognized sensation he is today) during the singer’s triumphant travels across Counties Offaly and Leitrim back in 1976, said of Kanye: ‘I seen what he done at the Oscars last week. It’s one thing to be messin’ with the likes of Shania Twain and Def Leppard, but should he keep that up, there’ll be no room at the top table for him at this year’s IMAs. Mr. West and the other rap lads, are welcome to sit with our own stars like Big Tom and Red Hurley but should there be messin’ and carryin’ on, then we’ll have to put him elsewhere. No celebrity is too big. Just ask Philomena Begley, who we moved to the back of the arena a few years back, when she gave Dickie Rock a funny look’.

The Irish Music Awards, sponsored by  Mullingar Creameries, is one of the highlights on Ireland’s entertainments calendar, and is second only to Mayo’s Country, Western and Craic Festival, with regards to radio audiences. ‘This year, we’re hoping that Kilkenny FM as well as some stations in the northeast decide to broadcast us. It’ll be some craic, well I hope so, some years its fairly shite, can I say shite, or would you prefer brutal or desperate?’, said Dermot. Among those scheduled to attend this year’s event, are; Johnny McEvoy, Foster (though not his partner Allen), a lad that used to be on Irish soap opera ‘Fair City’, one of the Cranberries (or the Corrs, we’re not sure which) and a Black Sabbath covers band from Letterkenny. Kanye’s entourage meanwhile, are already rumored to have booked the entire top floor of Bernadette Fitzgibbon’s B&B, which is located just a two-hour drive away from the field where the IMAs will be held in Enniscorthy.

Words by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Anne-Marie Kirwan’s Private Collection. 




Study Finds that Most Americans Still Think Rugby is Shite

Saturday, February 7th, 2015

A rugby ball and some goalposts, yesterday afternoon, although it was almost evening.

A study has determined that an overwhelming majority of American people think that rugby, one of the most popular sports in the world, is not very enjoyable to watch. The investigation, carried out jointly by Notre Dame University and The Official New England Patriots Supporters Club (Blanchardstown branch), asked 11 people in the US for their views on the sport, during the recent Superbowl cup competition, a contest which is held each year to find out who is the winner of the best American Football trophy in the whole entire world.

Patrons at The Apple Tavern, a bar in Aukernon, Mississippi (population 82), feel that rugby is merely a glorified version of cricket, though without the bats, and with wickets a different shaped ball and more players, and therefore about as interesting, as bartender Craw Daniels stated: ‘As watching crickets chew puss off a mule’. With this season’s highly-anticipated Six Nations Championship commencing this weekend, and favorites Ireland facing Italy, a number of individuals in Aukernon, and other cities around the US, will be tuning in to watch their favorites compete. Says Jackson Deerfield, from Oklahoma; ‘I can trace my Welsh heritage all the way back to the late ’80s, when my uncle dated a girl from Swansea. Sadly, she was a slut, so I’ll be supporting Scotland’.

At Manhattan’s Yale Society and Social Club, meanwhile, both patrons spoken to claimed rugby was merely ’tish-tosh’ and ‘poppycock’, before calling the security guard, an elderly Irish-American man, who said that rugby was; ‘A load of oul’ shite’, followed by; ‘Up Mayo’.

The Irish supporters will be out in force in the bars across America over the weekend, though one restaurant manager, David ‘Slinky’ Peters, of The Bronx, has stated his concern with regards to the drinking choices of the game’s fans. ‘I’ve searched high and low among all our distributors and can not find anybody who sells a beer called ‘Heino’, nor, indeed, can we find ‘Pints of Plain’, something rugby fans of a certain geographical persuasion seem to favor’. This year’s Six Nations, kicking off this weekend with three games, will not be televised live anywhere in the US, though viewers in parts of Alabama, who won’t be attending this month’s meet and greet hog-chasing event, may be able to listen to the events on radio at Skeeter’s Electronics, Main Street, Montgomery.

Words By Bosco Coppell. Numbers and Punctuation provided by Caroline’s Curtains and Drapery, Carlow Town.