The Heraldy Press

A representative for the Irish government in Washington D.C., has claimed that if ‘irresponsible acts of unruly behavior’ continue to be carried out by Irish students in the United States, then the often-criticized ‘J1’ visa program may be postponed indefinitely.

Congressman Dermot Hannigan, a fourth-generation Irishman from Cleveland, Ohio, was asked whether visas would be confiscated from students who had indulged in ‘bollock-acting’. He responded: “While I have never actually been in an Ireland, I am immensely proud of my roots there. I regularly rock out to U2 and have seen ‘Braveheart’ eight times, twice in its entirety. I also like to follow Donegal County in the G.A. of A contest, and wish all my brethren and their flocks the very best for Saint Patty’s Day this summer”. He went on to add; ‘Students getting hammered in Woodlawn, County Bronx, however, really should start either catching on to themselves, or just wise up there now hi’.

NYPD sources have since confirmed that in the month of June so far there have been 193 ‘J1ers’ arrested and deported. While the vast majority of those were cautioned for episodes of public drunkenness, exposure and climbing things that are really high ‘for the craic’, one individual was spotted trying to put a Cavan football jersey on an otter in Central Park zoo at 3am last Tuesday, while two females from Sligo were seen in a state of undress attempting to hijack an ice cream truck in Yonkers, by fondling the owner in an inappropriate manner.

The J1 visa program allows students to live and work in the United States, Australia, Argentina and Leitrim. It was introduced by English King, Henry VIII, in the 16th century, in order to rid Ireland of its unruly teenagers for three months each year, and give their parents a break, so that they could continue to starve in peace, while giving all they owned to the lovely King. Since then, over 11million Irish students have availed of the program, with many going on to successful careers as ‘lads who do sweep up all the oul’ shite on the construction site’ (according to one J1er, 52-year-old Brian Corrigan from Wicklow) and dentists. 

Story by Bosco Coppell, picture loaned by Fidelma’s Fishing and Shooting Accessories.

Denis ‘Denis’ O’Brien

A representative for the young (alleged) nieces and nephews of Ireland’s richest man, Denis O’Brien, has claimed that his clients can not wait for their respective confirmations and communions, as they’re sure to: ‘Make a bleedin’ mint’.

Sir Clive Benson (not her real name) a semi-qualified lawyer acting on behalf of the ‘We’re Related to Denis, So We Are’ group, a semi-state body representing 862 individuals who claim/hope to be distantly related to Mr. O’Brien, has stated that once it is proved that they are related to the media tycoon, will gladly claim what is owed to them, once their respective Holy Confirmations and First Holy Communions come around.

The two religious events, among the most important milestones in a Catholic’s life, alongside; baptism, confession, Noah’s Ark, marriage, maintenance payments, guilt trips and death, are frequently associated with the visiting to the homes of relatives, where it is customary for aunts, uncles, grandparents, ‘special uncles’ and family friends to financially assist their young visitors on their passageway to sainthood.

Mr. O’Brien, who has a controlling interest in a number of Irish industries and is also rumored to be a part-owner of County Wexford, has been a controversial figure in recent weeks, having had his business empire closely scrutinized by the world’s media, and by some lad who used to direct videos for Irish folk music act, Foster & Allen. With First Holy Communion and Confirmation season now just minutes away, it’s reckoned that Mr. O’Brien’s finances could well be hit hard to the tune of hundreds of Euro, if not more, and his position near the peak of County Westmeath’s Stock Exchange could well be in peril.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture loaned by Philomena’s Brital Wear and Fishing Tackle.