Archive for the ‘Heraldy Press – The Satirical Side’ Category

Chasing Stars

Sunday, December 15th, 2019
I wonder does she, See the same moon as me,
As she watches from where she is now.
Didn’t make it this far, Never followed our star,
But I still think of if, why and how.
Are there streams, hills and trees, Skipping ropes and scraped knees,
Puppies, with whom she could play.
Is there laughter and light, Is there love at first sight,
And does evening and night follow day.
Too pure to remain, There’s no sun for this rain,
In my mind she’ll always be there.
While our lives have moved on, She’ll never be gone, I hope that she’s happy somewhere.

Don’t Grow Up Yet

Sunday, December 15th, 2019

Don’t Grow Up Yet

Don’t grow up yet, there’s too much to do.
There’s coloring, bath-times, trips to the zoo,
There’s bike-riding, goalscoring, things I can teach,
Places we’ll go where we walk on the beach.

Don’t grow up yet, there’s lots on our list,
Bowling and kite-flying, things that we’ve missed,
Places I’ll take you, I’ve made a big plan,
Be a kid longer, stay here if we can.

Don’t grow up yet, I’m enjoying this glory,
I’m missing already, your bedtime story,
Tie your own laces, get dressed on your own,
Don’t be in a hurry to leave me alone,

Don’t grow up yet, there’s wide open spaces,
Where we can run wild, and make silly faces,
I’ll keep making Dad jokes, and watching those smiles,
Our journeys together, so many more miles.

Don’t grow up yet, I’ll help you to be,
A wonderful grown-up, much better than me,
We’ll get there together, don’t leave me behind,
It’s going too fast, wish we could rewind.

English Fans Vote to Leave Euros in Fear of Embarrassing Penalty Shootout Loss

Monday, June 27th, 2016

England football fans upon hearing that other nationalities will be involved at the Euros.

Fans of the England football team have voted to leave the European Championships, in fear of losing out yet again in a penalty-kick shootout. So far, over 27 supporters have left France for Doncaster, Rotherham, Hull and Sunderland, with another 9,000 to join them, once they are released from French prisons. The players will follow suit, after they lose out to Iceland in yet another heartbreaking loss on penalties on Monday afternoon (Grimsby Mean Time).

The decision was made, when it was revealed that England had lost their previous 27 shootouts at major tournaments, and even though Gareth Southgate and Chris Waddle, who had missed 43 and 7 penalties for England respectively, were not chosen in the squad due to them both being in their late ’70s, football chiefs at the FA, the fans, the players and ’80s commentators ‘Saint & Greavsie’, believe it is time to call it quits, before yet another crushing defeat.

Reporters at Britain’s tabloid papers are disappointed, as they’d already prepared headlines referring to the players which they’d adored two weeks ago, as a useless pack of overpaid bastards, who couldn’t score in a brothel with a truckload of sterling, or even a currency that wasn’t completely worthless.


Trump Considering Eastern Wall to Keep Irish Out

Saturday, April 16th, 2016

(Left to Right) Unidentified Orange Object, Donald Trump.

A representative for Donald Trump has refused to deny claims that the tycoon is considering the construction of a wall on the US’s east coast, to prevent Irish immigrants from entering the country illegally. The controversial presidential-hopeful has already angered millions of immigrants, particularly those who don’t own ladders, by claiming he will build a wall along the border between Mexico and the US, to stem immigration to the US, if elected President.

The Trump camp claims that such immigrants are keeping vital in-demand careers, such as desirable positions in the fields of potato-peeling, fruit-picking, pot-washing, tyre-pumping and advanced orthodontistry, from hard-working Americans, such as the wives and ex-girlfriends of his who weren’t from the Czech Republic. His idea for a wall along the Canadian border however, has arrived several years too late, as Canadians such as Ted Cruz and Celine Dion have already moved to the US.

A wall running from upstate New York, down to Florida’s panhandle, would, he suggested, prevent Irish immigrants from landing in the US, unless of course, they decided to fly into the country, rather than arrive by boat, which could initially cause problems. Trump-supporter Sarah Palin, has suggested building another wall, along the border of Ireland and North Dakota, to prevent leprechauns from stealing American jobs at Disneyland. Palin went on to use the Great Wall of China as an example. ‘Lookee what happened there, you don’t see folks from New Zealand or Westmeath pitchin’ their wagons and climbing over the Great Wall of Chicago’.

Should the eastern wall go ahead, there are 812 construction firms battling for the contract, one from Paraguay, the rest from County Offaly.



NYC’s Museum of Modern Art Seeks Lucan’s ‘Garbage Artists’ for Display

Friday, April 15th, 2016

‘Chillin’ In Me Outside Gaff’ (Artist unknown).

In what has been described as a surprising move in the arts world, New York City’s Museum of Modern Art could soon be including among its display, a work by an unknown, but highly-regarded artist from County Dublin. In recent days, a four-dimensional piece, provisionally titled, according to a representative for the mysterious sculptor; ‘Chillin’ In Me Outside Gaff’, has been whipping up an artistic storm in creative circles, both nationally, and globally.

An assistant curator at the prestigious New York artistic hub, Dr. Harvey Goldberg, claimed that such an example of simplistic originality was rare during this practically artless era, where a vacuum of such intensity may well be filled by creative wizards such as the Lucan-based phenomenon, who so far, is known only as ‘Anto’. The piece, comprising of a number of ‘living room’ type objects, such as a couch, easy chair, lamp and side-table, have been arranged at an outdoor spot in Lucan. The scene is popular with courting couples, lads who do dump stuff where they shouldn’t be dumping it, and blokes who do be legging it from the Gardai after doing something unsavory in the village, like breaking stuff, or not paying for their snackboxes and running off.

An appeal has been launched by the museum, to determine the artist’s identity, especially before them lads over at the Louvre (the Paris one, not the one in Wexford), get wind of the situation, as there have been several French accents heard recently on Tandy’s Lane, discussing the positioning of some discarded Monster Munch bags.

Tiffany from Eastenders to Buy Foxhunter Site

Thursday, April 14th, 2016

Martine McCutcheon

Following the recent news that consumer giant Avoca would not be opening a retail outlet in Lucan, it has been rumored that another illustrious name may be interested in investing in the site. Martine McCutcheon, the actress who played Tiffany Mitchell on BBC soap opera ‘Eastenders’, is said to be expanding her agricultural machinery empire, and a Lucan plant may be in her plans. McCutcheon starred in ‘Eastenders’ for 36 years, leaving just before her 55th birthday, in 2003. In the series, her character was killed off when she was thrown from a hot-air balloon by boxing promoter Dot Cotton. A popular addition to the show, she had several traumatic storylines, such as when she gave birth to septuplets, several of whom weren’t hers, marrying ‘bad boy’ Ken Barlow, and her ongoing feud with Compo from ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. Recently spotted clubbing with Patsy Palmer, who played her pal Bianca Jackson on the show, and Morgan Freeman, McCutcheon is no stranger to Lucan, having driven through it twice in the late ’80s. If the sale goes ahead, it will be her 48th such agricultural machinery plant, though all the others are based in Kilcock. – By Brian Hagan.

RTE Stars to Strike for Luas-Style Wages

Thursday, March 17th, 2016

Ryan Tubridy, yesterday.

RTE stars Joe Duffy and Ryan Tubridy are reportedly planning to strike, unless their wages are raised to the level of the Luas tram workers. A spokesperson for the broadcasters, has confirmed that neither they, nor Miriam O’Callaghan, Pat Kenny or Marian Finucane, will work Easter Sunday, Christmas Day or the first day of the sales at Lidl/Aldi, unless their demands are met.

Finucane’s representatives have gone on to confirm that the veteran radio show host, and her colleagues, will only continue with their employment, if they receive their requested rate of fourteen Euro per hour, with partial dental coverage, and half-price tickets to the Christmas pantomime at the Olympia.

The last time such a dispute occurred at RTE, was in 1945, when all the company’s broadcasters, hosts and actors striked, requesting that they be paid as much as US President Harry Truman. This left Twink, Philomena Begley and Mr. Crow, a sock-puppet from children’s television show ‘Wanderly Wagon’, to read the news. The fourteen people who owned televisions at the time in Ireland, did not believe World War 2 had ended, as they refused to take Twink seriously as a newscaster. It took confirmation from Mr. Crow, and his co-puppet, Bosco, to convince them.

Derek McSweeney, a Luas tram-operator from Lucan, County Dublin, said that his 650,000 Euro a year salary was justified, as; ‘Sure there’s loads of buttons I do have to be pressin’ and all so there is’. Tubridy, who is reported to have failed the Luas driving test eleven times, was unavailable for comment, but a representative for the star told us to ‘Go and sh*te’.

Vincent Browne, over at TV3 meanwhile, is already earning a similar salary to that of a Bus Eireann apprentice (3rd year) mechanic, so he’s, reportedly ‘sorted’.

By Bosco Coppell.


Lucan Hands Back Rights to McGregor

Monday, March 7th, 2016

Conor-McGregor-4An Irish town has withdrawn its claim for Conor McGregor, after the former champ’s recent round of ‘bollock-acting’. Officials from Lucan, County Dublin have claimed that they would consider selling McGregor-related bragging rights back to Crumlin, should the glory days not return by next Tuesday. His recent messing has left Lucan scrambling for a new sporting hero to idolize, with local experts looking into the ancestry of Leitrim corner-forward Oliver Fitzgibbon, legendary soccer stars Phil Babb and Zico and snooker player Willie Thorne. One of whom may even get to be Grand Marshal at this year’s Saint Patrick’s Day Parade, if they can’t find a Lucan-based politician to do so.

One McGregor fanatic, Jason Henderson, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said; ‘I’ve been a fan of McGregor for ages, I do watch his matches on the telly even, sometimes, if I’ve not had too many scoops like’. Henderson, a thrice-married darts player from Walkinstown, now a true Lucanite who has lived there nearly three months, has three kids and nine cousins, and rides a Raleigh Burner (with chrome mag wheels), went on to say that local Facebook group, Lucan Living wasn’t a true indicator of the views, feelings and religious persuasions of the people of Lucan. ‘Think they’re great so they are, with their Facebook page and their, em, biscuits, and that’.

Other favorites to claim McGregor’s birthrights from Lucan, are Enniscorthy, Mullingar (where 896 former Lucanites have migrated to, due to its sunnier climate and cleaner beaches) and Blanchardstown.


Sarah Palin Reaches Out To New Irish Party

Friday, February 26th, 2016



Conservatives on both sides of the Atlantic rejoiced over the weekend, after American right-wing icon Sarah Palin (pictured on left) attempted to contact her alleged Irish counterpart, Lucinda Creighton (right), in a bid to wish Miss Creighton luck in the Irish General Election.

The plan was in vain however, as Mrs. Palin, despite being a ‘really good counter’, miscalculated the time difference between Alaska and County Carlow. Instead, she wound up calling the US Space Station ‘Fortitute’, eleven miles above the Arizona desert. Here she was kept on hold for four hours, as the astronaut, a lifelong Democrat was ‘otherwise engaged’. It was an expensive error, which will cost the US tax-payer $441,009, as the US has no long-distance telephone agreement with outer space.

Miss Creighton, meanwhile, a much-loved occasional politician who departed the ruling Irish parliamentary party Fine Gael, allegedly due to that party’s refusal to make daily mass-going compulsory, has since established her own organization, called ‘Renua’, which roughly translates as ‘New Re’.

New members are encouraged, with recent inductees being awarded a $41 cash prize, a barely-used bicycle and the opportunity for one’s first eleven children to be baptized half-price at Saint Gordon’s Catholic Church in Enniscorthy, County Wexford.

Miss Creighton’s party is the 23rd such organization to have been formed in Ireland since last Thursday, and will, if it gathers the support it expects, last until at least until the end of the Easter holidays. Currently it is the 19th most popular party in Wexford, and also has two supporters in the Isle of Man.

The similarities between Palin and Creighton, are seemingly endless. Both enjoy traditional Christian behavior, though while the American enjoys murdering bears with automatic weapons fired from a hovering helicopter, the Irishwoman prefers mass. Both are females who hope one day to move into politics, the two are avid readers, with Palin favoring every newspaper in the entire world, while Creighton enjoys perusing the newsletter of whichever parish she happens to be campaigning against 21st century values in at the time.

Healthcare is of the utmost importance to the Irish party, with vaccinations promised to cure individuals from mumps, rickets, rubella and homosexuality. The American however, feels US President Barack Obama, has destroyed America, with his attempts at allowing poorer folk access to medical assistance, suggesting instead, that each household has a medium-sized box of band-aids (plasters), each of which must be washed before reusing. We tried to contact Mrs. Palin’s office, but her spirit was too busy soaring with delight as her patriotic heart beat with pride when she looked at her supporters praying, reflecting, misspelling stuff and drunkenly brawling, to deal with the likes of us.

Words by: Bosco Coppell, Pictures found in a canal by Rusty Henderson.


Irishwoman Braces for Arctic Circle’s Worst Snowstorm Since This Morning

Saturday, January 23rd, 2016


An Irishwoman living in the village of Ernsk, a small hamlet just meters from the magnetic North Pole, is preparing herself for the area’s worst snowstorm since earlier this afternoon. Olivia Hannon (that’s not her in the accompanying photo, it’s some other lady having an oul’ laugh in the snow), an 84-year-old native of County Longford, is at risk of losing her home, a two-bedroom mansion situated in a tree behind the village’s only bar/restaurant, The Freezin’ Kip. The thrice-divorced Olivia moved to the region in the mid ’80s in search of love (‘All the nice lads in Longford were either married, emigrating, elderly or from Roscommon’, she says), and stayed. Just after both of the town’s locals finished watching tape-delayed footage of Dennis Taylor’s 1985 Snooker World Championship Final win this morning, the area witnessed almost 11 feet of snow fall, beating the previous day’s record by almost four inches. Homes, livestock and possessions are in danger of being lost, and the bar’s beer garden may also be forced to close after lunch for an hour or two.