Archive for June, 2014

We’d Win World Cup If We Were Any Good Claims Irishman

Saturday, June 28th, 2014
A football, earlier this afternoon. 

Pablo Fitzsimons, the manager of Birrcelona FC, in the Tullamore and Surrounding Parishes Football League, has made the outlandish claim that Ireland would be just as good as the world’s football greats, such as Brazil, Germany and Switzerland, if only they were any good. Fitzsimons, one of Offaly’s longest-serving sports coaches (only Dessie Lopez, trainer of Tullamore’s senior camogie side since 1942, has been involved in local sports longer), said that things had changed since Ireland’s glory days of the early to mid 1990s, and that other teams had since stolen not only our thunder, but also our sunshine on a rainy day, our clouds with silver linings, our greased lightning, the wind beneath our wings and our foggy dew.

Speaking with The Heraldy Press about fifteen minutes ago, Fitzsimons, who is of part Bolivian, part Roscommon heritage, hence the bizarre name, said; ‘Back in the forties and fifties, you’d have had Irish lads like young Mick McCarthy, John Aldridge and Ray Houghton kicking a ball around the streets of Barnsley, Liverpool and Glasgow, hoping that one day they’d grow up and play for the Republic of Ireland. Nowadays, sure there’s that many immigrants in the county, you don’t know who’ll be playing for who. Sure only yesterday, I met a lad from Fermanagh, and a family from West Cork right here on my doorstep, I think they were delivering milk. I can’t remember the last time I heard a Tullamore accent in the town, they’re nearly all from Edenderry or even Mullingar these days’. When asked to get back to the point, Pablo told us to feck off, and said; ‘Sure it’s none of your business what does be going through me head’. Even though it was he who called us with the story in the first place.

Ireland, not having qualified for the World Cup in ages, has hardly ever won it, unlike other countries, who, between them, have won every single World Cup ever held.  With the right management, players, finances, supporters, stadia, history, sponsorships and a nice shiny team bus however, Fitzsimons reckons Ireland could win the World Cup every year, and would be honorary winners for being so brilliant in the years that it wasn’t held. Said Pablo; ‘I’ve since gotten together a petition, in order to have Ireland host the event some year, and of the nine people who’ve signed it so far, four of them weren’t me. People laugh, but sure we’re a nation of fields, where football is played, and people live here too, and as far as I’m aware, it’s people that do be playing football. They do other things too of course, but football is one of them. I did contact FIFA, UEFA and the Westmeath Amateur Football Association, and have since met Tommy Gormley, the General Secretary of the latter, but he told me to feck off and quit being such a gobshite’.  Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture provided on loan by Marian’s Buttermilk Ltd. 

Sportswriter Fired for Brutal Suarez Jokes

Saturday, June 28th, 2014
Some footballers legs, a few years ago. 
An English sportswriter has been fired from his job, and faces further action from British journalism’s governing body, for continuing to irritate his readers, colleagues and superiors with shockingly predictable jokes/puns and doctored images of controversial footballer Luis Suarez. Stephen ‘Soccer Stevie’ Hockley, a 59-year-old football-mad part-time journalist and amateur frogmologist (he collects scuba diving equipment) from North London, has, since Mr. Suarez was sent home from the World Cup for biting another player, featured 194 different images relating to the Uruguayan on his Facebook page, generating in total, five ‘likes’ and three comments, two of which were from colleagues warning him to quit it, or he’d be fired for being a pain in the arse, and another from his Aunt Irene in the west of Ireland, who asked him if he was ever going to grow up and stop being such a gobshite. 
It is the ninth time that Mr. Hockley, a lifelong supporter of Manchester United since 2007 (he did support Arsenal, and before that Chelsea, Aston Villa, Liverpool, Nottingham Forest, Leeds United and when he was on holiday in Edinburgh, Dundee United) has faced disciplinary action with regards to being not very funny. In 2006, he forwarded 116 emails about Zinedine Zidane’s World Cup Final headbutt and was suspended for a week, in 1995, he mailed 812 letters with jokes about Eric Cantona’s kung fu kick into the crowd at Crystal Palace (though he did apologize for that once he became a United supporter) and in 1986, he telephoned 4 of his relatives claiming to be God and that he’d like to speak with Diego Maradona. 
Says Oliver Gibb (17) the Managing Editor of The Swindon Furniture Trader and Antique Collector’s Monthly, where Hockley has had a football column since the mid 1970s; ‘The dude’s like, so, unfunny. He’s texted me 14 times with jokes since lunchtime and I’ve had no reason to LOL, never mind ROFLMAO’. Another of Hockley’s colleagues, Marjorie Dibbs, who pens an occasional gardening column from prison, said; ‘I’m not surprised, he’s always been a c*nt’. Admittedly, we at The Heraldy Press weren’t prepared for language like that, and sure, it’s too late to change it now. Mr. Hockley, who was unavailable for comment, has eleven minutes with which to decide whether he will appeal his dismissal, though since typing that sentence, he did contact us to say something about Luis Suarez winning the Golden Tooth award, and how the footballer probably just fancied some Italian, but sure, we’d already hung up by then. 
Words by Bosco Coppell, Image by Yvonne’s Curtains and Antique Telescopes Store. 

Dublin Gangster Angered as Pint is Spilled

Tuesday, June 24th, 2014
A knocked-over glass earlier today.

Alleged Dublin gangster Kevin ‘The Wheelbarrow” McFlynn, was angered last Tuesday, when another customer at Dublin bar The Ferret’s Nest, bumped into him, spilling some of his wife’s pint. Shouting at The Heraldy Press this morning, McFlynn said; ‘I was only after buying eleven pints for meself and the missus, when some useless p***k walked into me, knocking the head off me bird’s shandy. When I catch the ***t, he’ll be the one having his head knocked off, not some poor defenseless pint. And if yiz print this, I’ll ***in’ batter you too, yeh c***’.

The Ferret’s Nest, in Drumcondra, a small village just outside Ireland, is well-known as a meeting spot for alleged criminals. In the space of eleven hours on Wednesday morning, this reporter witnessed two stabbings, a small explosion and some fellah selling Norwegian cigars from the basket of his bicycle, though admittedly, most of that was on an episode of ‘The A-Team’  that the customers were watching on television. The bar itself was quiet, besides the lad who showed up on the wrong morning for Karaoke and sang ‘Lady in Red’ in just his (or perhaps somebody else’s) underpants.

McFlynn (22) has 179 previous convictions for receiving stolen goods (mainly DVD players and cattle) and one for the inappropriate use of a hairbrush. The former garden hose repairman, celebrating a recent victory in the courts, where he was given a suspended sentence for doing something really rude out the window of a ice cream van, is a feared man in the nation’s capital, with one resident, Ollie ‘The Golden Badger’ Gleeson, saying; ‘He’s a feared man in the nation’s capital’. Another part-time criminal, Jimmy ‘The Dirty Eejit’ Brennan, who asked that his name not be printed, said; ‘He’s not as tough as he thinks he is. I’d batter him. The only reason he got the better of me before was that he was dressed all in black, and I thought he was a nun, so I couldn’t batter a woman. I was raised better than that. Now **** off, I’m tryin’ teh break into this bleedin’ pet shop. Me young lad wants a canary’.

McFlynn not only wants revenge on the man who spilled his wife’s pint, he also wants the eight Euro it will cost him to buy a replacement shirt. He had asked staff at The Ferret’s Nest for their security tapes to view the incident in an attempt at identifying the pint-spiller, but the entire security system, including the cameras, monitors, cables and four elderly guards, had been stolen by McFlynn himself just days earlier. When asked to comment upon this, the alleged gangster said; ‘Bleedin’ irony wha’? You bo**ocks’.
Story by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Dorothy’s Hats and Hairbands. 

Longford Man Drunk On Barman’s Fart

Sunday, June 22nd, 2014
A balloon, filled with regular gas, not bum stuff. 

A man from County Longford is denying accusations that he was recently rendered intoxicated, having accidentally inhaled a bartender’s flatulence. Dermot Lopez, 27 Avondale Crescent, Granard, County Longford (it’s the second house from the corner, opposite the portable toilets left over from when they built Dessie’s Dartboard Rental), who asked to remain anonymous, claims that he may well have become overwhelmed by the fumes emanating from the trouser area of the bartender on duty at Flamingo’s Night Club last Tuesday afternoon, but in no way was he left in a drunken stupor. ‘I droop stunkenly every day. Sorry, stoop drunkenly’, he said, in a lame attempt at humor. He also denied experiencing any pleasure from the incident, and he does not have, as some people have since claimed, ‘a bit of a liking for sniffing lads’ arses’. Lopez was witnessed walking in to the establishment ‘in fine fettle’, according to Mary Plantagenet, the head waitress at Flamingo’s, but within minutes was; ‘Staggering around like a dirty oul eejit’.

A veteran of the local nightlife, Lopez has been drinking in the establishment since long before it became Flamingo’s. Having first ventured through the club’s doors back in 1983, aged nine, he’s been a regular during its incarnations as The Horn, The Fluffy Hippo, The Dandy Vicar, Snaggletooth’s, Patricia’s Pastries, Dame Vincent’s Cubbyhole and Hegarty’s Ale House. According to a recent estimate, Lopez has been drunk, or reasonably inebriated on the premises, 8,012 times, not until now however, was an unexpected anal occurrence to blame for his wobbly walking and complete ‘talking through his hole’ (the words of another witness who wished to remain anonymous, Dervla Ingalls, Dermot’s ex-girlfriend).

Said Dermot;  ‘In all fairness, I done loads of mad stuff in me time, but never did I get hammered due to a rumble from a barman’s arse. Youse aren’t usin’ me real name for this are youse?’. When we asked Phil Coakley, the bartender on duty on the afternoon in question for his side of the story, we were told; ‘I dunno, but I’m always fartin’ me. One time I made this oul’ one’s eyes water. I particularly like doing it right beside some customers that are really annoying me, then walking away, and then giving dirty looks in their direction, so that other people think they’re responsible for my disgusting filth’. Words by Bosco Coppell. Image courtesy of Dorothy’s Antique Hairbrushes. 

Offaly Man’s World Cup Attempt to Impress Ex Fails

Thursday, June 19th, 2014
A view of part of Europe from a very tall ladder. Or a plane, yeah, most likely a plane.

Offaly man Eddie Savage’s incredible attempt to learn all 32 national anthems of this year’s World Cup entrants has failed, after it was determined that he had in fact, mistakenly memorized the lyrics and tunes of the anthems belonging to the Eurovision Song Contest entrants instead. Savage, a 37-year-old cousin of eleven, had been attempting to win back a former girlfriend, Dolly Flanagan (83), of no fixed abode, who once claimed that he had the basic rhythm skills and vocal ranges of a drunken gibbon, a remark which propelled him towards realizing his dream.

Speaking with The Heraldy Press a few minutes ago, Savage, a semi-retired poet and occasional tree surgeon said; ‘My mistake became quite obvious, when, rather than reciting thundering choruses and chest-beating verses which would’ve been sung by men going to war and heroes of nations defeating evil tyrants, I was singing all manners of sh*te about kittens, lollipops, mushrooms, and in the case of the Macedonian entry, a traffic light which had fallen into a tent’. The fact too, that all the songs were from European countries confused him even more, he added; ‘I did find it unusual that Argentina, Brazil and Colombia weren’t at the World Cup, but then, I always thought Denmark and Spain were a lot closer to South America than they actually are’. Eddie’s ex, Miss Flanagan, was unavailable for comment. Well, she was available, but she told us to; ‘Go and shite’, and added; ‘Nothing that useless eejit does would surprise me’.
Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture provided kindly by Albert’s Fine Wines and Studded Neck Collars. 

Tired of Stereotypes, Cavan Man Leaves Tip in Restaurant

Saturday, June 14th, 2014
Some money, yesterday.

Dermot McKeever, a 34-year-old semi-retired seamstress from Bailieborough, County Cavan, has hit back at critics of his home county, who claim that people from that area are reluctant to part with money. Mr. McKeever, who is reported to have made his fortune sewing Heavy Metal/Hard Rock patches on to his schoolfriends’ jackets back in the ’80s, left a 9% tip to his server, Katherine Gibbons, after dining at Dessie’s Kebab House in his home town last weekend. When asked whether this was a regular occurrence, Katherine, who wishes to remain anonymous, said; ‘Nah’. Cavan has the 23rd highest rate of tipping in the country, and Dermot hopes to help his beloved homeland improve upon that position. Speaking with The Heraldy Press a few minutes ago, he said; ‘Having been born and reared here, Cavan has always been one of my favorite counties, second only to Carlow for its scenery, and naturally, it’s reputation as the romance capital of the north midlands/lower northwest of the country is well-deserved’. That’s not what we asked him to comment upon, but sure, it’s too late to fix that now. When he did eventually get to the point and discuss tipping in Cavan, Dermot commented; ‘For too long we’ve suffered from the negative stereo-system that people from here don’t like to spend money. That’s wrong, three summers ago, I spent eight euro on a set of deck chairs at Derek’s Beachwear, I did return them in February because the weather was sh*te, but it still counts. If I continue to get the level of service which I experienced at Dessie’s Kebab House, which has sadly, since burned down, I will keep on tipping’. Probably not much though, as even his elderly mother Bernie described her son as being; ‘A stingy oul’ sh*te who wouldn’t spend Christmas’. Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture courtesy of Dearbhla’s Coffee Shop and Pest Control Services. 

Irish Politics a Load of Sh**e Says Westmeath Man, So Votes Elsewhere

Saturday, June 14th, 2014
A field near a polling station. With some birds in it. 

Oliver Haughey, a 54-year-old spinster from County Westmeath, has claimed that he is so sick of Irish politics, that he has been voting in other countries for the past nineteen years. 

Mr. Haughey, no relation to the famous Haughey family from Monasterevin, County Kildare, who made their fortune in the black pudding business earlier this afternoon, said that since 1987, he’s attempted to vote in no fewer than eleven other countries, some of them quite exotic (Denmark), others not so (Roscommon). Speaking with The Heraldy Press at Tuesday lunchtime, around one-thirtyish or thereabouts, Mr. Haughey said; ‘I’ve tried to vote in many elections, for the Lord Mayor of Helsinki, the city councils in Oslo, Berlin and Manchester, the General Elections in Greece, Turkey and Bolivia, and for the vacant Treasurer’s position with Enniscorthy’s Gaelic Football Club, after the incumbent, Tommy Mulhall (89), died unexpectedly following a 96-hour rave in Ibiza’. 

So far however, despite his rage against the Irish political machine, and his lack of respect for those turning the wheels, his votes elsewhere have not counted. ‘Not being a citizen in any of them countries has been a problem for me, and I’m not a member of the County Offaly Lawn Bowls Club, or the Eastern Donegal Pitch and Putt League, so they wouldn’t let my votes count either’, said Oliver. Those reasons, however, are not the only ones for his votes being cast aside by those doing the counting. ‘See, I do also like to draw a picture of  a windmill with a smiley face on it on the ballot, and then I do vote for that’, said Oliver, an occasional trombonist with the Mullingar Philharmonic, and obvious gobshite. Story by Bosco Coppell, Picture courtesy of Amanda’s Interesting Jams and Fishing Tackle Store. 

Wexford Hit By World Cup Fever

Thursday, June 12th, 2014
A field not unlike a soccer pitch. With some cows in it. 

World Cup fever has hit northeast Wexford, and in particular, the Cosgrave family from Gorey. Jimmy Cosgrave, once part-owner of Cosgrave’s quality carpets, which closed down in 1976, after several successful weeks trading in the town, has even gone so far as to buy several packets of World Cup stickers, which he hopes to stick on the crossbar of his bicycle, after his sticker album is filled. Speaking with The Heraldy Press several minutes ago, Jimmy said; ‘I’ve been into the oul’ football for a good while now, but it’s only recently that I’ve gone to the next level and started buying stickers. I’ve f***in’ loads of doubles though. Seriously, if I get one more Juergen Klinsmann, or any more of them Iranian fellahs, I might just give it up. Wimbledon’s on in a few weeks in anyway, so I can watch that instead’. Jimmy’s daughter, also called Jimmy, who once played snooker with a lad who was on the books with Waterford United, is also a football enthusiast, even watching games when they’re on early in the morning. ‘I do watch the games, even when they do be on early in the mornings sometimes. If I’m up like’, she said. With Ireland not having qualified for this year’s competition, all eyes in the Cosgrave household will be on The Ivory Coast, unless there’s something else on that Mrs. Cosgrave wants to watch. ‘All our eyes will be on the Ivory Coast, unless there’s something on that my wife, Imelda, wants to watch. She f***in’ hates football’, said Jimmy Senior. The family are avid fans of the Ivory Coast, not due to stars of that nation such as Didier Drogba and Yaya Toure, but because Jimmy Senior’s pal Dessie Hannon once told him that the Ivory Coast was what eastern Wexford was known as back in olden times. It wasn’t of course, it was merely known as eastern Wexford, Jimmy, seemingly, would believe anything. Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture provided by Desmond and Fiona’s Quality Wools and Shooting Range.  

Anti-Carlow Racism Angers Irishman

Wednesday, June 11th, 2014
A river near where the victim of the alleged racist incident once lived. 
Carlow Man Disgusted at America’s Racism.

Dermot Shortt, a 57-year-old poet and part-time agricultural machinery salesman from Bagenalstown, County Carlow, has claimed that racism against Carlow people is alive and well in New York City. Mr. Shortt, who, despite his name, is of average height, says that on a recent trip to the Big Apple, he was dismayed to encounter some angry bigotry from an individual in a bar while watching a hurling match. Speaking about the incident with The Heraldy Press, a distraught Mr. Shortt, said; ‘I was only after sitting down to watch the match, when some fellah beside me asked me where I was from. When I told him County Carlow, he said, ah sure, we’ll probably not see you lads in the All-Ireland this year. To add insult to injury, another fellah who wasn’t part of the conversation, laughed. I’m not sure if he was laughing at the racist remark about Carlow GAA, or if he was laughing at a joke someone was after telling him, but I’m surprised that this sort of carry-on would happen in a parish the size of New York’. The Heraldy Press tried to contact the bar where the offensive behavior is alleged to have occurred, but Mr. Shortt wouldn’t tell us where it was. Story by Bosco Coppell. Picture courtesy of Ankle Bracelets by Dymphna.  

Kildare Man Furious At Idea Theft

Wednesday, June 11th, 2014
A man using his umbrella against the Limerick weather yesterday. And another fellah.

A man from County Kildare (it’s one of the ones fairly far away from Roscommon) is said to be devastated, having seen what he claims was his idea, advertised on late-night television. Dave ‘David’ Sweeney (22), of no fixed-abode, but who once lived in a four-man tent (‘with a few other lads’) inside Jacob’s biscuit factory on the Dublin Road, claims that it was he who first thought up the idea for the ‘Chillow’, and not; ‘Some gobshite from America or Donegal or somewhere foreign’. The ‘Chillow’, a pillow which contains a small cooling mechanism within its innards, helps one enjoy sleep-filled nights, and is especially useful on warm, humid evenings (eight of which have been recorded in Limerick since the mid 1930s), as it remains cool against the user’s warm head. Speaking with The Heraldy Press, Sweeney said; ‘I seen it on the telly on Saturday last two weeks, and warn’t sure what it war what I war in observation of. One time I wished I had a big block of ice wrapped in a blanket when I fell asleep near a bonfire after a few pints, but sure, I was too tired to get up and away from the heat, and wound up with sunstroke. That’s when the idea of the chillow hit me first, but now some other bollocks is after robbin’ the idea and probably made hundreds off it. I bet he doesn’t have to sleep near bonfires either’. Sweeney won’t be seeking legal advice in the matter, he’ll just remain fairly annoyed. – Words by Bosco Coppell. Photo by Eleanor’s Umbrella Pics.