Heraldy Press

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We’d Win World Cup If We Were Any Good Claims Irishman

A football, earlier this afternoon.  Pablo Fitzsimons, the manager of Birrcelona FC, in the Tullamore and Surrounding Parishes Football League, has made the outlandish claim that Ireland would be just as good as the world’s football greats, such as Brazil, Germany and Switzerland, if only they were any good. Fitzsimons, one of Offaly’s longest-serving sports…

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Sportswriter Fired for Brutal Suarez Jokes

Some footballers legs, a few years ago.  An English sportswriter has been fired from his job, and faces further action from British journalism’s governing body, for continuing to irritate his readers, colleagues and superiors with shockingly predictable jokes/puns and doctored images of controversial footballer Luis Suarez. Stephen ‘Soccer Stevie’ Hockley, a 59-year-old football-mad part-time journalist…

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Dublin Gangster Angered as Pint is Spilled

A knocked-over glass earlier today. Alleged Dublin gangster Kevin ‘The Wheelbarrow” McFlynn, was angered last Tuesday, when another customer at Dublin bar The Ferret’s Nest, bumped into him, spilling some of his wife’s pint. Shouting at The Heraldy Press this morning, McFlynn said; ‘I was only after buying eleven pints for meself and the missus,…

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Longford Man Drunk On Barman’s Fart

A balloon, filled with regular gas, not bum stuff.  A man from County Longford is denying accusations that he was recently rendered intoxicated, having accidentally inhaled a bartender’s flatulence. Dermot Lopez, 27 Avondale Crescent, Granard, County Longford (it’s the second house from the corner, opposite the portable toilets left over from when they built Dessie’s…

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Offaly Man’s World Cup Attempt to Impress Ex Fails

A view of part of Europe from a very tall ladder. Or a plane, yeah, most likely a plane. Offaly man Eddie Savage’s incredible attempt to learn all 32 national anthems of this year’s World Cup entrants has failed, after it was determined that he had in fact, mistakenly memorized the lyrics and tunes of…

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Tired of Stereotypes, Cavan Man Leaves Tip in Restaurant

Some money, yesterday. Dermot McKeever, a 34-year-old semi-retired seamstress from Bailieborough, County Cavan, has hit back at critics of his home county, who claim that people from that area are reluctant to part with money. Mr. McKeever, who is reported to have made his fortune sewing Heavy Metal/Hard Rock patches on to his schoolfriends’ jackets…

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Irish Politics a Load of Sh**e Says Westmeath Man, So Votes Elsewhere

A field near a polling station. With some birds in it.  Oliver Haughey, a 54-year-old spinster from County Westmeath, has claimed that he is so sick of Irish politics, that he has been voting in other countries for the past nineteen years. Mr. Haughey, no relation to the famous Haughey family from Monasterevin, County Kildare, who…

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Wexford Hit By World Cup Fever

A field not unlike a soccer pitch. With some cows in it.  World Cup fever has hit northeast Wexford, and in particular, the Cosgrave family from Gorey. Jimmy Cosgrave, once part-owner of Cosgrave’s quality carpets, which closed down in 1976, after several successful weeks trading in the town, has even gone so far as to…

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Anti-Carlow Racism Angers Irishman

A river near where the victim of the alleged racist incident once lived.  Carlow Man Disgusted at America‚Äôs Racism. Dermot Shortt, a 57-year-old poet and part-time agricultural machinery salesman from Bagenalstown, County Carlow, has claimed that racism against Carlow people is alive and well in New York City. Mr. Shortt, who, despite his name, is…

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Kildare Man Furious At Idea Theft

A man using his umbrella against the Limerick weather yesterday. And another fellah. A man from County Kildare (it’s one of the ones fairly far away from Roscommon) is said to be devastated, having seen what he claims was his idea, advertised on late-night television. Dave ‘David’ Sweeney (22), of no fixed-abode, but who once…

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