Heraldy Press

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Longford Man Drunk On Barman’s Fart

A balloon, filled with regular gas, not bum stuff.  A man from County Longford is denying accusations that he was recently rendered intoxicated, having accidentally inhaled a bartender’s flatulence. Dermot Lopez, 27 Avondale Crescent, Granard, County Longford (it’s the second house from the corner, opposite the portable toilets left over from when they built Dessie’s…

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Michael Fitzpatrick • June 22, 2014

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Offaly Man’s World Cup Attempt to Impress Ex Fails

A view of part of Europe from a very tall ladder. Or a plane, yeah, most likely a plane. Offaly man Eddie Savage’s incredible attempt to learn all 32 national anthems of this year’s World Cup entrants has failed, after it was determined that he had in fact, mistakenly memorized the lyrics and tunes of…

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Michael Fitzpatrick • June 19, 2014

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Tired of Stereotypes, Cavan Man Leaves Tip in Restaurant

Some money, yesterday. Dermot McKeever, a 34-year-old semi-retired seamstress from Bailieborough, County Cavan, has hit back at critics of his home county, who claim that people from that area are reluctant to part with money. Mr. McKeever, who is reported to have made his fortune sewing Heavy Metal/Hard Rock patches on to his schoolfriends’ jackets…

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Michael Fitzpatrick • June 14, 2014

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Irish Politics a Load of Sh**e Says Westmeath Man, So Votes Elsewhere

A field near a polling station. With some birds in it.  Oliver Haughey, a 54-year-old spinster from County Westmeath, has claimed that he is so sick of Irish politics, that he has been voting in other countries for the past nineteen years. Mr. Haughey, no relation to the famous Haughey family from Monasterevin, County Kildare, who…

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Michael Fitzpatrick • June 14, 2014

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Wexford Hit By World Cup Fever

A field not unlike a soccer pitch. With some cows in it.  World Cup fever has hit northeast Wexford, and in particular, the Cosgrave family from Gorey. Jimmy Cosgrave, once part-owner of Cosgrave’s quality carpets, which closed down in 1976, after several successful weeks trading in the town, has even gone so far as to…

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Michael Fitzpatrick • June 12, 2014

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Anti-Carlow Racism Angers Irishman

A river near where the victim of the alleged racist incident once lived.  Carlow Man Disgusted at America’s Racism. Dermot Shortt, a 57-year-old poet and part-time agricultural machinery salesman from Bagenalstown, County Carlow, has claimed that racism against Carlow people is alive and well in New York City. Mr. Shortt, who, despite his name, is…

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Michael Fitzpatrick • June 11, 2014

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Kildare Man Furious At Idea Theft

A man using his umbrella against the Limerick weather yesterday. And another fellah. A man from County Kildare (it’s one of the ones fairly far away from Roscommon) is said to be devastated, having seen what he claims was his idea, advertised on late-night television. Dave ‘David’ Sweeney (22), of no fixed-abode, but who once…

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Michael Fitzpatrick • June 11, 2014

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