Irish Politics a Load of Sh**e Says Westmeath Man, So Votes Elsewhere

A field near a polling station. With some birds in it. 

Oliver Haughey, a 54-year-old spinster from County Westmeath, has claimed that he is so sick of Irish politics, that he has been voting in other countries for the past nineteen years. 

Mr. Haughey, no relation to the famous Haughey family from Monasterevin, County Kildare, who made their fortune in the black pudding business earlier this afternoon, said that since 1987, he’s attempted to vote in no fewer than eleven other countries, some of them quite exotic (Denmark), others not so (Roscommon). Speaking with The Heraldy Press at Tuesday lunchtime, around one-thirtyish or thereabouts, Mr. Haughey said; ‘I’ve tried to vote in many elections, for the Lord Mayor of Helsinki, the city councils in Oslo, Berlin and Manchester, the General Elections in Greece, Turkey and Bolivia, and for the vacant Treasurer’s position with Enniscorthy’s Gaelic Football Club, after the incumbent, Tommy Mulhall (89), died unexpectedly following a 96-hour rave in Ibiza’. 

So far however, despite his rage against the Irish political machine, and his lack of respect for those turning the wheels, his votes elsewhere have not counted. ‘Not being a citizen in any of them countries has been a problem for me, and I’m not a member of the County Offaly Lawn Bowls Club, or the Eastern Donegal Pitch and Putt League, so they wouldn’t let my votes count either’, said Oliver. Those reasons, however, are not the only ones for his votes being cast aside by those doing the counting. ‘See, I do also like to draw a picture of  a windmill with a smiley face on it on the ballot, and then I do vote for that’, said Oliver, an occasional trombonist with the Mullingar Philharmonic, and obvious gobshite. Story by Bosco Coppell, Picture courtesy of Amanda’s Interesting Jams and Fishing Tackle Store. 

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