Outrage as Irish Government Considers Weather Tax

A Cloud Shaped Like Ben Affleck, Yesterday.

Anger has reached boiling point throughout Ireland as rumors concerning a controversial ‘Weather Tax’ continue to circulate. Following recent introductions such as the water rates, property tax and the universal social charge, reports filtering in to the nation’s media outlets are suggesting that in the coming months, Taoiseach (that’s Irish for Prime Minister) Enda Kenny, is considering adding another tax in the next budget, which would see Irish residents charged for sunshine during the summer months, as well as a host of other deductions depending on one’s location and occupation.

Under the new proposals, farmers and fishermen will lose out most, being charged for rain per inch in the summer months, and, in an odd stipulation, for sunshine if they were hoping for rain. We asked Dublin councillor Dessie ‘Desmond’ Swain, whether, fishermen who also farm, and farmermen who also fisher, would be taxed twice.  ‘Yeah, they’d be fairly bolli*ed alright”, he replied.

The Heraldy Press also caught up with Benjy ‘Benji’ Patterson, a part-time county councilor from Sligo, who also has several ‘small agricultural holdings’ of 2,000 acres each. Patterson won the local by-election in 1971, when his uncle Ben-Joe ‘Benjo’ Patterson, died after swallowing nine liters of red diesel when siphoning fuel from a neighbor’s combine harvester.

‘Sure, we won’t be taxing the rain. You can have that for free! Imagine that, wha’!? Sure, we’d all be millionaires! Wha’?! Wha’?! Well, we would be, youse wouldn’t, yous’d still be f***ed. Hang on, is that microphone on? Will youse turn tha’ off, just for a minute? Ah go on. I was only messin’ about that’, he said, in an incredibly annoying accent, which made one think how in the name of jayziz do these people get elected.

The weather tax is a reminder of the dark days of the mid 1970s in Ireland, when the then-government, in an attempt to modernize Ireland, taxed individuals who didn’t own a record by Dana, Dickie Rock or Joe Dolan. When young trailblazer Johnny Logan burst onto the music scene like a young Red Hurley/Jim Morrison in 1980 however, all bets, and taxes, were off.

With high winds expected this weekend, anyone spotted flying a kite will be fined, and the internationally-renowned great igloo village of Enniscorthy will endure an enforced meltdown by torch-wielding government agents. Snowmen must be under eight inches tall, and hailstones will be strictly forbidden, unless a special license is obtained four years in advance.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture by Doreen’s Crane-Hire.

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