Signs You’ve Been With Your Irish Immigrant Partner A While
1. You appreciate the work of Yeats. Years ago, you didn’t even know what a ‘Yeat’ was.
2. It probably won’t make you sweat, it could however, make you jump. Hence, it’s a ‘jumper’, not a ‘sweater’.
3. There’s a slight chance that you now know who Val Doonican is.
4. You know f***-all about golf, but Rory McIlroy is the best player ever to play the game. Much better than those Jake Nicholls or Albert Palmer lads.
5. You used to wonder why there were so many green, white and orange things in your home.
6. Not so long ago, you thought 1916 was how army dudes said quarter past seven.
7. Your partner is allowed laugh at, ridicule, mimic, insult and degrade Irish people, things, places, habits, customs, history, culture or food. You do it and you’re dead.
8. You’re starting to get Tommy Tiernan’s ‘Navan’ references.
9. You’d never heard the word ‘ecumenical’ before watching ‘Father Ted’ and now you know all about; hairy hands syndrome, a lovely horse, Pat Mustard and micro-cakes.
10. You can name a Cranberries song other than ‘Zombie’.
11. You’re not sure whether Sinead O’Connor is a tortured artistic genius or a mad oul’ badger, and you’re too afraid to ask.
12. You’ve watched your partner proudly drink Guinness in front of Americans/Brits/New Zealanders and Equitorial Guineans, but he/she really can’t stand the stuff.
13. Nowadays, rather than stare in dumbstruck awe when someone says ‘Sure, ’tis a soft oul’ day thank God’, you nod and say; ‘Aye’.
14. You can quote lines from; ‘The Field’, ‘The Snapper’, ‘The Commitments’ and ‘In The Name of the Father’.
15. You, or your partner, has never; ‘Come into the parlour’, and would probably be afraid to.
16. You’re almost positive ‘Day-Lewis’ is an Irish name, but you’re not 100%, and sure, there’s nobody to ask without looking like a right eejit.
17. You can spell ‘Tiocfaidh Ar La’ better than most people who scrawl it on the bathroom walls in bars across New York/London/Sydney/Papua New Guinea.
18. You’re still not sure whether the ‘Shillelagh’ is a winged mammal, stringed instrument or weapon of mass destruction.
19. You will not ask for ‘a dash of blackcurrant’ in your pint while your partner is within earshot.
20. Like your partner, you know the choruses to every Irish ballad song ever written, because they don’t have verses. Hang on, what?
21. You’ve learned that a wedding reception isn’t over, until nine hours after the bar closes and every song ever written has been butchered by a drunken uncle, who knows an average of nine words from every song.
22. You know that the above uncle wasn’t drunk. He was stocious, hammered, manky or ossified. Not merely three sheets to the wind.
23. When your partner says she/he saw U2 play at the Dandelion Market in Dublin where only 14 other people attended, you just keep your opinions to yourself if you know what’s good for you.
24. Ballygobackwards isn’t a real place, and mahogany gaspipes aren’t real things.
25. You just might know who used to say ‘Roll it there Collette’ and later, ‘Roll it there Roisin’. And it wasn’t Bob Marley when he visited Wexford.
25(a) You know that Gabriel Byrne and Gay Byrne are different people.
26. You know that Peter O’Toole, Spike Milligan, The Edge, Saint Patrick and Jack Charlton weren’t Irish. You also know not to bring it up.