Heraldy Press


Offaly Man’s World Cup Attempt to Impress Ex Fails

A view of part of Europe from a very tall ladder. Or a plane, yeah, most likely a plane.

Offaly man Eddie Savage’s incredible attempt to learn all 32 national anthems of this year’s World Cup entrants has failed, after it was determined that he had in fact, mistakenly memorized the lyrics and tunes of the anthems belonging to the Eurovision Song Contest entrants instead. Savage, a 37-year-old cousin of eleven, had been attempting to win back a former girlfriend, Dolly Flanagan (83), of no fixed abode, who once claimed that he had the basic rhythm skills and vocal ranges of a drunken gibbon, a remark which propelled him towards realizing his dream.

Speaking with The Heraldy Press a few minutes ago, Savage, a semi-retired poet and occasional tree surgeon said; ‘My mistake became quite obvious, when, rather than reciting thundering choruses and chest-beating verses which would’ve been sung by men going to war and heroes of nations defeating evil tyrants, I was singing all manners of sh*te about kittens, lollipops, mushrooms, and in the case of the Macedonian entry, a traffic light which had fallen into a tent’. The fact too, that all the songs were from European countries confused him even more, he added; ‘I did find it unusual that Argentina, Brazil and Colombia weren’t at the World Cup, but then, I always thought Denmark and Spain were a lot closer to South America than they actually are’. Eddie’s ex, Miss Flanagan, was unavailable for comment. Well, she was available, but she told us to; ‘Go and shite’, and added; ‘Nothing that useless eejit does would surprise me’.
Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture provided kindly by Albert’s Fine Wines and Studded Neck Collars. 

Michael Fitzpatrick • June 19, 2014

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