Heraldy Press


Longford Man Drunk On Barman’s Fart

A balloon, filled with regular gas, not bum stuff. 

A man from County Longford is denying accusations that he was recently rendered intoxicated, having accidentally inhaled a bartender’s flatulence. Dermot Lopez, 27 Avondale Crescent, Granard, County Longford (it’s the second house from the corner, opposite the portable toilets left over from when they built Dessie’s Dartboard Rental), who asked to remain anonymous, claims that he may well have become overwhelmed by the fumes emanating from the trouser area of the bartender on duty at Flamingo’s Night Club last Tuesday afternoon, but in no way was he left in a drunken stupor. ‘I droop stunkenly every day. Sorry, stoop drunkenly’, he said, in a lame attempt at humor. He also denied experiencing any pleasure from the incident, and he does not have, as some people have since claimed, ‘a bit of a liking for sniffing lads’ arses’. Lopez was witnessed walking in to the establishment ‘in fine fettle’, according to Mary Plantagenet, the head waitress at Flamingo’s, but within minutes was; ‘Staggering around like a dirty oul eejit’.

A veteran of the local nightlife, Lopez has been drinking in the establishment since long before it became Flamingo’s. Having first ventured through the club’s doors back in 1983, aged nine, he’s been a regular during its incarnations as The Horn, The Fluffy Hippo, The Dandy Vicar, Snaggletooth’s, Patricia’s Pastries, Dame Vincent’s Cubbyhole and Hegarty’s Ale House. According to a recent estimate, Lopez has been drunk, or reasonably inebriated on the premises, 8,012 times, not until now however, was an unexpected anal occurrence to blame for his wobbly walking and complete ‘talking through his hole’ (the words of another witness who wished to remain anonymous, Dervla Ingalls, Dermot’s ex-girlfriend).

Said Dermot;  ‘In all fairness, I done loads of mad stuff in me time, but never did I get hammered due to a rumble from a barman’s arse. Youse aren’t usin’ me real name for this are youse?’. When we asked Phil Coakley, the bartender on duty on the afternoon in question for his side of the story, we were told; ‘I dunno, but I’m always fartin’ me. One time I made this oul’ one’s eyes water. I particularly like doing it right beside some customers that are really annoying me, then walking away, and then giving dirty looks in their direction, so that other people think they’re responsible for my disgusting filth’. Words by Bosco Coppell. Image courtesy of Dorothy’s Antique Hairbrushes. 

Michael Fitzpatrick • June 22, 2014

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