Heraldy Press


Dublin Gangster Angered as Pint is Spilled

A knocked-over glass earlier today.

Alleged Dublin gangster Kevin ‘The Wheelbarrow” McFlynn, was angered last Tuesday, when another customer at Dublin bar The Ferret’s Nest, bumped into him, spilling some of his wife’s pint. Shouting at The Heraldy Press this morning, McFlynn said; ‘I was only after buying eleven pints for meself and the missus, when some useless p***k walked into me, knocking the head off me bird’s shandy. When I catch the ***t, he’ll be the one having his head knocked off, not some poor defenseless pint. And if yiz print this, I’ll ***in’ batter you too, yeh c***’.

The Ferret’s Nest, in Drumcondra, a small village just outside Ireland, is well-known as a meeting spot for alleged criminals. In the space of eleven hours on Wednesday morning, this reporter witnessed two stabbings, a small explosion and some fellah selling Norwegian cigars from the basket of his bicycle, though admittedly, most of that was on an episode of ‘The A-Team’  that the customers were watching on television. The bar itself was quiet, besides the lad who showed up on the wrong morning for Karaoke and sang ‘Lady in Red’ in just his (or perhaps somebody else’s) underpants.

McFlynn (22) has 179 previous convictions for receiving stolen goods (mainly DVD players and cattle) and one for the inappropriate use of a hairbrush. The former garden hose repairman, celebrating a recent victory in the courts, where he was given a suspended sentence for doing something really rude out the window of a ice cream van, is a feared man in the nation’s capital, with one resident, Ollie ‘The Golden Badger’ Gleeson, saying; ‘He’s a feared man in the nation’s capital’. Another part-time criminal, Jimmy ‘The Dirty Eejit’ Brennan, who asked that his name not be printed, said; ‘He’s not as tough as he thinks he is. I’d batter him. The only reason he got the better of me before was that he was dressed all in black, and I thought he was a nun, so I couldn’t batter a woman. I was raised better than that. Now **** off, I’m tryin’ teh break into this bleedin’ pet shop. Me young lad wants a canary’.

McFlynn not only wants revenge on the man who spilled his wife’s pint, he also wants the eight Euro it will cost him to buy a replacement shirt. He had asked staff at The Ferret’s Nest for their security tapes to view the incident in an attempt at identifying the pint-spiller, but the entire security system, including the cameras, monitors, cables and four elderly guards, had been stolen by McFlynn himself just days earlier. When asked to comment upon this, the alleged gangster said; ‘Bleedin’ irony wha’? You bo**ocks’.
Story by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Dorothy’s Hats and Hairbands. 

Michael Fitzpatrick • June 24, 2014

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  1. Shirleyann McIntyre June 25, 2014 - 12:58 pm Reply

    ha ha another cracker Mike…..you’re brilliant, keep em comin x

  2. Nat_A_Lie June 28, 2014 - 11:50 pm Reply

    Ya shouldn’t be pokin’ fun at tragedy, like!

    Love the bit about the A-Team!

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