1) Are you trying to get me drunk?
Yes, I am, because you’re an elderly man with bits of yesterday’s soup, at least I hope it’s just soup, in his beard, and I desperately want to touch your bum.
2) Duuuuude!!!! I’m Irish too yo!
Maybe one of your grandparents were, and they’d be so proud to see that green vomit on your fake Aran sweater.
3) I Love Your Accent, Is It Real?
Of course it is, I was born in Denmark, and raised in Milwaukee, but the bits you hear, are probably from my time spent working as a Norwegian language instructor in New Zealand.
4) Can I Plug This In Somewhere?
Plug what in, your magical personality creator? Yes, bend over and ask your mother to plug it in, oh, sorry, she’s your girlfriend?
5) Can you make my shot extra strong?
Sure, just let me call Jack Daniel’s/Jameson/Johnny Walker/Jose Cuervo and ask them to change their recipe for you.
6) What’ve you got on tap?
Just the beers that are eight inches from your eyes, and the ones listed on the list you’re holding but too ****ing lazy to read.
7) Oh, the guy who used to work here used to give us a break on the bill.
I guess that’s why he ‘used to’ work here.
8) Hey, is that waitress single?
She sure is, and she’s not been asked out by a drunk, boring, ugly bastard who’s 24 years older than her, in a while, and you look like just her type, so don’t even pull your fly all the way up or hide that wedding ring, oh, that steak sauce on your hands, it is just steak sauce right? Leave it there and just go for it dude!
9) Hey, where’s the other bartender?!
He heard you were coming in so he took the night off.
10) This drink (which I’ve never heard of/ordered/tasted before), you made it wrong.
I sure did, they make much better ones in the bar down the street, why don’t you piss off down there instead?
11) Y’all got pool table?
No, because tossers like you kept putting the balls in their mouths to perfect that dumbass accent.
12) Do you have a bathroom?
No, here, use this bag.
13) What’s this for? (Note – Points at something they’ve never seen before, like cocktail shaker, or soap).
It’s for scratching my more delicate areas when you’re not looking.
Words By Bosco Coppell, Research by Sean Hannigan.