Posts Tagged ‘lucan’


Sunday, July 14th, 2019

When Mothers are lucky, their boys become men.
But some don’t quite make it, no why, how or when.
With fortunate fathers, of daughters with dreams,
They’ll think of the wonders, not horrors or screams.

It happens in cities, in London, New York.
Not our little suburbs, of Dublin and Cork.
Never our doorstep, this terror unseen.
It’s not what we’re used to, this ungodly scene.

The whispers that follow the police sirens blare.
Her family, forever, stuck with this nightmare.
A beauty no longer, if just in our thoughts,
A life barely lived, a battle long fought.

They’re out there, among us, these monsters, our hell,
But what do they look like, there’s no way to tell,
Just brothers of sisters, sons of good folk,
No way of knowing, their fire, our smoke.

A baby, a beauty, a daughter, in school,
An object, a victim, reminder life’s cruel.
Some parents aren’t lucky, they don’t have a choice,
It’s so hard to whisper, to call with no voice,

A blessing, a wonder, a miracle child,
A nation awakens, forgets for a while,
She’ll not be returning, not now, or again,
To a world filled with beauty, and the evils of men.

Owner of ‘Burton Boat’ Denies Any ‘Bollock-Acting’.

Thursday, December 31st, 2015

The ‘Tainted Gibbon’, just before setting sail on its maiden voyage in County Kilkenny.

The owner of ‘The Tainted Gibbon’, the sailing vessel which occasional politician Joan Burton fell from on Tuesday last, has denied any wrongdoing,and claimed that any damage must be paid for by the Irish Government, or, as he was quoted himself; ‘By yer one what broke me boat by fallin’ inteh the oul’ water’. Dessie Gilbert, a native of Lucan, County Dublin, has been in the boat-hire business since Tuesday last, and rented the kayak, a 12-foot vessel with, according to Mr. Gilbert, a kitchen, four beds, washer/dryer, microwave and trampoline, to the Labour Party the day before the incident, obtaining a nine Euro deposit for the rental. The horrific crash however, has left damage to the boat at a cost of almost 92,000 Euro, not including labor costs to, as Mr. Gilbert put it; ‘Fix that dirty oul’ hole what the water keeps coming in and making the carpets all damp’. He also claims that all the kayak’s supposed luxuries, such as the aforementioned washer/dryer and trampoline, a snooker table, a toasted sandwich maker and an egg-whisk, have not been recovered from the murky waters which the ship capsized into. Mrs Burton was unavailable for comment, but one man who witnessed the entire incident unfold said; ‘Stop lookin’ at me, I seen nothin’.

Cheryl’s Story – Missouri, formerly Lucan, County Dublin.

Wednesday, September 30th, 2015

A hippo and Dublin girl Cheryl. We’re not sure where the hippo’s from. Probably Sligo.

“We had to leave Ireland back in the early 1980s, following an incident at the circus. My brother Stevie dared me to put on a girl’s wig, take off my trousers and run up to a hippo with a stick in my hand. I’d not done anything quite that zany before, but I thought what the hell. Before we knew it, we were all over the news, and the animal welfare people were calling for me to be put in a military school and to be made do a school project about hippos. I wouldn’t have minded that, but, my folks decided it’d be better all round if we just emigrated’. – Cheryl (27), Lucan, County Dublin, now Missouri.

Lucan Accent Voted 4th Sexiest in Leinster

Wednesday, July 15th, 2015

If this weir could talk, it would have a lovely Lucan accent.

A survey, which polled 27,000 households across Connaught, has determined the Lucan accent to be one of the ‘sexiest’ in Leinster. The poll was conducted by the European Union, to encourage a healthy relationship between the two sides of Ireland’s political divide in time for the July 12th Orange parades. Officials may have misunderstood Ireland’s political landscape though, thinking that the 800-year long conflict of interests boiled down to an East/West issue, rather than a North/South one.

The accent was one of 412 from Leinster nominated in the survey, and was expected to finish high on the chart, despite competition from: Dalkey, Howth, Clondalkin (east and south-central), parts of Sheriff Street and Louth.

Lucan was founded in the 17th century, by missionaries who had left Dublin’s inner city to preach Christianity to the pagans of County Meath. A brief stop for light refreshments in a field by the River Liffey, turned to a lengthy stay for some of the travelers, and before long, areas such as Edmundsbury, Dodsborough, Sarsfield and one of those new estates up by Neilstown, were developed and inhabited.

Lucan’s accent has progressed, especially since the legendary battles in the early 18th century with savage tribes from Kilcock, Leixlip and Maynooth, and in the late 1970s, following altercations in chippers after the pubs closed, when, according to local historians; ‘Fellahs did be lookin’ at other lads’ mots’.

The Lucan brogue back then could, in the words of Irish poet Jonathan Swift, ‘tempt the fairest birds from the tallest trees’, while nowadays, in the words of Deco McNamee, a ninth generation Lucanite, it would ‘tempt the fittest birds in The Foxhunter’s disco bar, before it were shut down like’.

Lucan was also under consideration in the 1970s, for the relocation and redevelopment of the Phoenix Park, to cater for the Pope’s visit, and a series of concerts by Barbra Streisand and Big Tom and the Mainliners. The town is currently the 4th fastest growing region in Ireland, after; Limerick City, the Liffey Valley Shopping Centre and Munster. Incidentally, Leinster’s sexiest accent was voted as being the north Kilkenny one, though only when spoken by a hot French bird.

Story by Bosco Coppell. Picture thanks to the private collection of The Rockefeller Foundation, Wisconsin.