Report Says Rap is Biggest Pain in Arse Since Garth Gigs

A hip-hop fan, yesterday.

A survey carried out in all Ireland’s 32 counties (they’re like American states, but they don’t bizarrely have different laws in each one, except Cavan and Wexford, sure it’s madness there) has determined what is causing the most frustration and annoyance to Irish people.

According to the survey, hip-hop music is more irritating to the people of Ireland than anything else, beating the recent Garth Brooks concerts-cancellation debacle into second place. These were followed by, in descending levels of annoyance; the introduction by the government of water charges, greedy politicians, women who are supposed to be of ill repute but turn out not to be, accordions with some keys that only work sometimes, balloons that are really hard to tie, England, the old ‘putting itching powder on the pub’s toilet paper’ trick, moths, American reality TV personalities with massive arses and lads who work in finance pretending to be farmers so they can hook up with women from Longford.

The Heraldy Press spoke with Dr. Ivan Buachall-Dana, from the Mayo Institute of Colloquialisms, Proverbs and Snooker, who claimed that hip-hop’s development into one of the world’s most popular forms of music has pushed it more into the public eye, and ear, than ever before. Said Dr. Buachall-Dana; ‘It’s like, OMG, whatever, you know, God!’ Apologies for that, we played the wrong tape, that was some woman from Sligo talking about her nails.

‘Hip-hop? Who doesn’t love a nice tune about some b*tch-ass hoe and her p*mp who be all like, yo, where my money at?’  It appeals to all genders, races, sexes and most species. Especially if you like hip-hop. Of course, if you prefer a melody that isn’t offensive to women, be they b*tches or hoes, or just regular-ass ladies, then hip-hop is a load of sh*te’, said Dr. Buachall-Dana, in a feeble attempt not to generalize or negate the music form entirely.

One of Ireland’s leading rappers, An Focal-Ri (translation: The Wordking), meanwhile, when contacted by The Heraldy Press, had this to say on the subject: ‘Word’.

Hip-hop as a musical genre and occasional lifestyle has existed in Ireland for several weeks, and has been spearheaded by the likes of Snoop Doggy Dogg, John Johnny Logan and Dana. Using a fast-paced, often angry style of rhyming, the movement has attracted many fans, with even Ireland’s President, Michael D. Higgins, being heard to greet a fellow world leader at a UN meeting with the greeting; ‘Sup, Homes’. Probably.

With over 112 albums now having been sold by Irish retailers, the genre, whether you find it annoying or not, will be here at least until Christmas, maybe even into the New Year. Ireland’s Minister for Culture, Hip-Hop and Interesting Cheeses, who refused to give his name, not because he preferred anonymity, but due to his name being ridiculous (Dermot Table), said of hip-hop, in an offensive, incompetent and grossly moronic manner; ‘I’m open to all forms of music, be it Christian Rock, where we joyfully rock our souls in the bosom of Abraham, or indeed, hippety-hoppety, where we twerk our thang, like nothin’ yo momma taught ya’. He then said ‘Yo’, in an attempt to be hip with the kids on the street, but wound up merely looking, and sounding, like probably the uncoolest gobshite on the planet.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture courtesy of Petulia’s Antique Chandeliers and Ointment Dispensary. 


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