Report Finds Lucan Girls Among Worst Dancers in World    

A study carried out by Princeton University in conjunction with Donegal College for Hair Styling, has determined that Lucan women are among the worst dancers in the world. The study saw professors from the two institutions travel across the globe, where they studied girls dancing on the beaches of Rio, in the nightclubs of Ibiza, the lounges of Las Vegas and in a dirty oul’ field on a damp morning in County Leitrim.
Professor Clem Irvstein, a psychologist and part-time colorist at Mandy’s Hair Creations, said: ‘We see a direct correlation between witnessing thousands of bronzed beauties in bikinis celebrate the World Cup on the beaches in Brazil, to watching a mad oul’ one slow-dance with an injured calf on a freezing morning in Airlie Heights’.
While in Milan at a party during Fashion Week, he observed the models dancing to some of Europe’s best DJs, and then in Lucan, County Dublin, he went to local woman Jacyntha Brennan’s 57th birthday party, where Jacyntha and her pals danced on the bar of a local establishment, before they were asked to leave when one girl kicked over an oul’ lad’s pint by accident, and another fell from the bar’s ceiling fan and fractured a barman’s kneecap.’Watching 14 oul’ ones dancing around little white handbags, and indeed, the occasional Supervalu carrier bag, one with the groceries still inside, was just as exciting as observing Gisele and her pals bust their moves, but sure, it’s all a bit of craic’, said the Professor’s assistant Clive, as he continually smelled his hands.

Among the other regions ranked in the dancing stakes, were: Colombia, where the study-team took in a private event at pop singer Shakira’s residence, Ukraine as the World ice-skating championships was going on and Tullamore, County Offaly, during calving season.

Speaking of Lucan’s low ranking in the dancing charts (only Ceylon, which doesn’t technically exist anymore, North Korea, which the lads weren’t allowed into, and Palmerstown ranked lower), one local politician said; ‘Ah that’s me hole’.

Story by Bosco Coppell, pictures by Denise’s Carry-On Luggage and Removable Wallpaper Store. 

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