Joan Burton to Quit Politics For Fitness Career

‘Hurtin’ With Burton’ star Joan Burton.

An Irish politician is alleged to be calling her parliamentary career to a halt, in order to promote one of her hobbies instead. Joan Burton (31), one of Ireland’s longest-serving deputies, is said to be in the process of relocating from her 19-room penthouse apartment in Edenderry, County Offaly, which overlooks the main street and a field, to move to her workspace/studio in Roscommon, which is probably one of the counties between Dublin and Galway. It is here that the popular young pol, will continue working on her series of exercise videos. So far; ‘Jivin’ With Joan’, ‘Jumpin’ Over Stuff With Joan’, ‘Hurtin’ With Burton’ and ‘Applied Yoga for the Metropolitan Male Unsure of his Place in a Society Dominated by Alpha Females and Lads Who Don’t Like the Oul’ Yoga’, have been recorded.

Young Miss Burton has rarely been out of the news recently, due to several high-profile television appearances. In September she starred on the genealogy show ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’, where it was revealed she was distantly related to 12th century Mongolian leader Genghis Khan (on her uncle-in-law’s side), the guy who made all the weird noises in the ‘Police Academy’ movies, retired German tennis player Boris Becker’s girlfriend and one of the puppets from 1980s American kids TV show ‘Fraggle Rock’. With the combined personality traits of those individuals, her personal assistant Mugsy ‘Derek’ McGrath (82), says of Miss Burton: ‘Ah sure, ’tis a soft oul’ day, thank God’.

‘Hurtin’ With Burton’, by far the most popular of her fitness videos, having sold four copies, with another two out on rental, was just released on videocassette on Tuesday last, with the scheduled release date for the DVD expected to be announced some time in 2024. One can, however, obtain reasonably legal downloads of the footage, which shows Joan and her pals in tracksuits getting up to all kinds of leppin’ and jumpin’, on On this version however, there are weird farm animal noises in the background, most likely carried out by Miss Burton’s young cousin Seamie (9), who works part-time as a farm animal impersonator, in between Ministerial positions within the Labour Party. Only those with incredibly expensive phones, what do have lights and funny noises and all, will be able to view this way however.

The unassuming young Miss Burton is allegedly reported to have hinted at a retirement from politics after her recent role on reasonably popular Irish talent show: ‘So You Think You Can Juggle With the Celebrities (On Ice)’. That show ended abruptly however, when several thousand protesters burst past the elderly security guard, and Thelma Mansfield, and stole the ice from the rink to melt it down and sell as water on Ireland’s black market.

With just 68 paychecks to go until the next General Election, and only a government pension to rely on after that, Miss B is hopeful that her exercise videos sell as well as one of her contemporaries, Jane Fonda’s, did, back in the ’80s. We asked keep-fit enthusiast and occasional squirrel breeder, Dermot ‘Dermott’ Hedge (19) from Enniscorthy, County Wexford for his opinion on fitness videos in general; ‘Jane Fonda has one out? Jayziz, Cher too? My God, next you’ll really make me day and tell me that Morgan Freeman’s moved into the game. No? Ah right. Yeah, I’m fairly busy here, push off’.

Words by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Oliver’s Bouquets and Snooker Tables. 

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