Archive for the ‘Heraldy Press – The Satirical Side’ Category

Things Not To Say To Your Bartender on Saint Patrick’s Day (and the things he/she might say back).

Sunday, March 15th, 2015

greenbeer

1) Duuuuude!!!! I’m Irish too yo!

Maybe one of your grandparents were, and they’d be so proud to see that green vomit on your girlfriend’s fake Aran sweater.

2) $8 For A Plastic Cup of Beer?

Yes, but you get to keep the cup.

3) But I’m Irish, don’t I get a discount?

No, but the 146 other gobshites who said that before you in the past 12 minutes did.

4) I’m a chick, and I’m wearing this random firefighter’s/cop’s hat, even though he’s married and thinks he’s gonna get somewhere with me, I’m just here for the free booze and the selfies. 

Ok Miss Cliche, you’ve had enough.

5) Do you have green beer?

Occasionally, when we leave it out in the sun too long.

6) Top of the mornin’ to you me lassie/laddie.

I’ll get your coat.

7) Happy Saint Patty’s Day!!

Excuse me, Saint Who?

8) I Love Your Accent, Is It Real?

Of course it is, I was born in Denmark, and raised in Milwaukee, but the bits you hear, are from my time spent working as a Norwegian language instructor in New Zealand.

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9) Can I Plug This In Somewhere?

Plug what in, your magical personality creator? Yes, bend over and ask your grandmother to plug it in, oh, sorry, she’s your girlfriend?

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10 Yeah, I was thinking of quitting my job and just waiting/bartending for a while, it looks like such fun.

You’re in finance? Yeah, I was thinking of giving this up, just to chill in corporate for a bit, but I’d be surrounded by douchebags.

11) Do you guys have, like, wine? It’s an Irish bar, I wasn’t sure whether to ask.

Yes, but it’s made from potatoes and severed leprechauns’ arses.

 

Bookstore-Whiskey

12) $8 for a ****king beer?!

No, it’s $8 for a regular beer, a ****ing beer is $14.

12a) $8 for a beer?

Well, it was, but it just went up to $23, arsehole tax, you see.

13) Can you make my shot extra strong?

Sure, just let me call up the Jack Daniel’s/Jameson/Johnny Walker etc people and ask them to change their recipe for you.

14) What’s your cheapest drink?

They’re all $57 each pal.

15) I’ll tip you next time. 

You won’t, because I won’t even look at you, never mind serve you. And when you’re standing there, I’ll give everyone except you a buyback, even the busboys.

16) So, can you do all the Tom Cruise ‘Cocktail’ stuff?

No, but have you seen Jack Nicholson in ‘The Shining’?.

17) Are you trying to get me drunk?

Yes, because you’re an elderly man with bits of yesterday’s soup, at least I hope it’s just soup, in his beard, and I desperately want to touch your bum.

18) Oh, the guy who used to work here used to give us a break on the bill.

That’s why he ‘used to’ work here.

19) I’m a close personal friend of the owner.

So you’ll know he passed away 46 years ago.

20) Hey, is that waitress single?

She sure is, and she’s not been asked out by a drunk, boring, ugly bastard who’s 24 years older than her, in a while, and you look like just her type, so don’t even pull your fly all the way up or hide that wedding ring, oh, that steak sauce on your hands, it is just steak sauce right? Leave it there and just go for it dude!

21) Hey, where’s the other guy?! (Note – The other guy left/was fired 18 months ago). 

He heard you were coming in so he took the night off.

22) We used to come here all the time.

You mean, you were here once, over the holiday season, when somebody else was paying the tab.

23) This drink (which I’ve never heard of/ordered/tasted before), you made it wrong. 

Oh? I misheard you. I thought you said get that drunk guy to vomit into my drink when I’m not looking.

33) Dude, can you put on the big game?

Sorry man, we’ve no TVs. Shut up.

25) Y’all got pool table?

No, because tossers like you kept putting the balls in their mouths to perfect that dumbass accent.

26) Do you have a bathroom?

No, here, use this bag.

27) What’s this for? (Note – Points at something they’ve never seen before, like cocktail shaker, or soap).

It’s for scratching my more delicate areas when you’re not looking.

 

Words By Bosco Coppell, Research by Sean Hannigan.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Irish Music Scene Rocked By Claim that Geldof Doesn’t Mind Mondays

Friday, March 6th, 2015
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Simon Le Bon

Irish political activist and occasional singer/songwriter Bob Geldof, is reported to have claimed that he has no problem with the first day of the week, despite writing the hit song ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ back in the late 1970s. Mr. Geldof, who fronted Dublin rock band The Boomtown Rats during the ’70s and early ’80s, was talking to BBC News recently, most likely about Band Aid or some political thing , when we’re nearly sure he said something about the whole ‘Monday’ scenario.

If the allegation is indeed true, it will surely pull into questioning the ethics and morals of an entire generation of Irish songwriters, who may well have been lying to decent, hard-working record-buyers for years. ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’, was a Number 1 hit for The Boomtown Rats in Ireland and the UK in 1979, which was a tumultuous year for Ireland, including as it did, the visit of Pope John Paul II, Charles Haughey being elected as head of the Irish Government and Shane something, the lead singer of boyband Westlife, being born.

One man we interviewed, Benny McCarthy from County Cork said; ‘What next, Bono claiming that all isn’t quiet on New Year’s Day, that it might have been a bit noisy? Sinead O’Connor stating that some things do actually compare to you? Phil Lynott’s boys not being back in town, deciding to stay away for another evening? Johnny Logan em, well, I can’t think of one of his songs but imagine him doing something not like the song said. I mean, it’s bullshit, boy’.

It is not the first time a singer/songwriter from Ireland has fallen on controversial times. In the early ’70s rumors circulated that Red Hurley’s natural hair color was charcoal gray, while ‘Westmeath Bachelor’ Joe Dolan was reputed to be a proud father of nine, and cousin of fourteen, from South Armagh. A neighbor of Mr. Geldof’s, Lord Edmondsbury, the 18th Duke of Wellington, who asked not to be named, has since said: ‘I done a bunk down the boozer on Tuesday lunchtime, where I seen Bob. Told me Monday was in his top five days of the week, innit’.

Words by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Caroline’s Naval Antiques. 

Irish Dancer Denies Madonna Stumble Caused by New Hips

Thursday, February 26th, 2015
2003 MTV Video Music Awards - Backstage and Audience

One of these is more than likely Madonna. The other one is the one from The Cranberries, or Philomena Begley probably. 

An Irish-born representative for Madonna last night denied that the singer’s well-publicized stumble at music’s Brit Awards in London over the weekend was due to complications from having both of her hips recently replaced, one with a newer aluminium model to assist her with more challenging dance moves, the other with a humpback whale’s vagina, designed for other unspecified reasons.

The spokesperson, Dermot Flavin (59), a dancer who has worked with the star since her ‘True Blue’ period back in the late 1980s, joked that the star’s awkward fall was more to do with one of her accompanying dancers having probably had a few too many mojitos before the show, rather than it being the fault of his perfectionist boss. ‘It was probably due to one of the dancers having one too many, oh, you mentioned that already’, said Flavin.

The fall, which occurred during the opening sequence to her new song, ‘Living For Love’, was at first thought to have been deliberate, coinciding as it did with the lyric; ‘I do sometimes fall down stairs backwards after having had a few oul’ pints’, though she herself admitted later that it was most likely due to her cape, which was to be pulled from her by one of her dancers, being tied too tightly. Twenty-three of Madonna’s cape-tightening team have subsequently disappeared, while another two have been located in Mexico and Roscommon, bringing to mind the great ‘wrong shade of orange leg-warmer’ purge of ’88, when 112 assistants were exiled for various calfwear mishaps while on tour in Portugal.

A youTube clip of the incident has, at the time of going to press, been viewed over 19million times, making it the 7th most popular youTube clip of all-time in Ireland. One individual, Mr. Jason Spratt (72), a plasterer from Kilkenny, has watched it an incredible 9,412 times, despite only having dial-up internet services in his mobile home in a remote field in the Wicklow Mountains. ‘I do like watching Madonna’, he said. ‘And people fallin’ down stairs’, he added.

Most Viewed YouTube Clips in Irish History

1) ‘Charlie bit my finger (again)’.

2) Foster and Allen kissing backstage at the Tullamore Craic Festival in 1972. 

3) Kim Kardashian taking arsies (selfies of her bum).

4) Giggling Australian quintuplets.

5) Drunken Limerick student wearing a stupid hat falling down a hill repeatedly. 

6) Mayo nearly winning the All-Ireland Senior Football Championship in ”89, 96, ’97, ’04, ’06 and ’13.

7) Madonna falling at the Brit Awards.

8) Speeded-up clip of Josef Stalin set to ‘Riverdance’ music.

9) An oul’ one shouting ‘Ah here, leave it fu**in’ out’ at two lads fighting in Dublin.

10)  A young lad getting caught robbing trainers (sneakers) and being headbutted repeatedly by his mother at The Liffey Valley Shopping Centre in Dublin .

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture kindly loaned by the Enniscorthy Museum of Ostriches and Other Exotic Birds. 

Kanye Warned Not to Act The Bollocks at Irish Music Awards

Wednesday, February 11th, 2015
Kanye_West_at_the_2009_Tribeca_Film_Festival

A Kanye West, Yesterday.

An American rapper has been warned of his behavior and instructed that his recent run of controversial antics must come to an end, should he wish to sit at one of the top tables at this year’s Irish Music Awards. Kanye West, fresh from an incident at last week’s Grammy Awards, where he suggested that ‘Best Album’ winner Beck, should give his award to Beyonce, was criticized by no less a personality than former musician Mr. Dermot McHugh, who is on the organizational committee for this year’s IMAs.

McHugh, an accomplished keyboardist who toured with Johnny Logan (before Logan was the globally-recognized sensation he is today) during the singer’s triumphant travels across Counties Offaly and Leitrim back in 1976, said of Kanye: ‘I seen what he done at the Oscars last week. It’s one thing to be messin’ with the likes of Shania Twain and Def Leppard, but should he keep that up, there’ll be no room at the top table for him at this year’s IMAs. Mr. West and the other rap lads, are welcome to sit with our own stars like Big Tom and Red Hurley but should there be messin’ and carryin’ on, then we’ll have to put him elsewhere. No celebrity is too big. Just ask Philomena Begley, who we moved to the back of the arena a few years back, when she gave Dickie Rock a funny look’.

The Irish Music Awards, sponsored by  Mullingar Creameries, is one of the highlights on Ireland’s entertainments calendar, and is second only to Mayo’s Country, Western and Craic Festival, with regards to radio audiences. ‘This year, we’re hoping that Kilkenny FM as well as some stations in the northeast decide to broadcast us. It’ll be some craic, well I hope so, some years its fairly shite, can I say shite, or would you prefer brutal or desperate?’, said Dermot. Among those scheduled to attend this year’s event, are; Johnny McEvoy, Foster (though not his partner Allen), a lad that used to be on Irish soap opera ‘Fair City’, one of the Cranberries (or the Corrs, we’re not sure which) and a Black Sabbath covers band from Letterkenny. Kanye’s entourage meanwhile, are already rumored to have booked the entire top floor of Bernadette Fitzgibbon’s B&B, which is located just a two-hour drive away from the field where the IMAs will be held in Enniscorthy.

Words by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Anne-Marie Kirwan’s Private Collection. 

 

 

 

Study Finds that Most Americans Still Think Rugby is Shite

Saturday, February 7th, 2015
rugb

A rugby ball and some goalposts, yesterday afternoon, although it was almost evening.

A study has determined that an overwhelming majority of American people think that rugby, one of the most popular sports in the world, is not very enjoyable to watch. The investigation, carried out jointly by Notre Dame University and The Official New England Patriots Supporters Club (Blanchardstown branch), asked 11 people in the US for their views on the sport, during the recent Superbowl cup competition, a contest which is held each year to find out who is the winner of the best American Football trophy in the whole entire world.

Patrons at The Apple Tavern, a bar in Aukernon, Mississippi (population 82), feel that rugby is merely a glorified version of cricket, though without the bats, and with wickets a different shaped ball and more players, and therefore about as interesting, as bartender Craw Daniels stated: ‘As watching crickets chew puss off a mule’. With this season’s highly-anticipated Six Nations Championship commencing this weekend, and favorites Ireland facing Italy, a number of individuals in Aukernon, and other cities around the US, will be tuning in to watch their favorites compete. Says Jackson Deerfield, from Oklahoma; ‘I can trace my Welsh heritage all the way back to the late ’80s, when my uncle dated a girl from Swansea. Sadly, she was a slut, so I’ll be supporting Scotland’.

At Manhattan’s Yale Society and Social Club, meanwhile, both patrons spoken to claimed rugby was merely ’tish-tosh’ and ‘poppycock’, before calling the security guard, an elderly Irish-American man, who said that rugby was; ‘A load of oul’ shite’, followed by; ‘Up Mayo’.

The Irish supporters will be out in force in the bars across America over the weekend, though one restaurant manager, David ‘Slinky’ Peters, of The Bronx, has stated his concern with regards to the drinking choices of the game’s fans. ‘I’ve searched high and low among all our distributors and can not find anybody who sells a beer called ‘Heino’, nor, indeed, can we find ‘Pints of Plain’, something rugby fans of a certain geographical persuasion seem to favor’. This year’s Six Nations, kicking off this weekend with three games, will not be televised live anywhere in the US, though viewers in parts of Alabama, who won’t be attending this month’s meet and greet hog-chasing event, may be able to listen to the events on radio at Skeeter’s Electronics, Main Street, Montgomery.

Words By Bosco Coppell. Numbers and Punctuation provided by Caroline’s Curtains and Drapery, Carlow Town. 

Man to be Deported from Ireland for Not Liking ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’

Wednesday, January 28th, 2015
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Mrs. Doubtfire.

A 47-year-old hedge fund manager faces being deported from Ireland, due, he claims, to the fact that he doesn’t enjoy popular television show, ‘Mrs. Brown’s Boys’. Pablo Dominguez-Burke (he’d an ‘aunt’ from Bolivia) from Finglas, north Dublin, says that it was an off-the-cuff remark in an elevator at work that set off a chain of events, leading to a letter from the immigration services, requesting that he call to their offices for an urgent meeting regarding his Irish citizenship, or as Pablo worded it; ‘About gettin’ arsed out of the bleedin’ country again, to be sure, so I am’.

Speaking with The Heraldy Press, Pablo said; ‘I was in the lift at work, when one of the cleaners said to his colleague, and, I can’t do the accent, but sure, yiz’ll be writin’ this anyway, so you won’t be able to tell the accent so it doesn’t matter, but he said; “Ah Jayziz, did yeh see ‘Mrs. Brown’s Boys’ last night? Wasn’t it brilliant the way she was carryin’ on and doing things that were really funny and all?’ I then merely tutted and rolled my eyes, though that was in relation to the lift’s doors not closing quickly enough, not a reflection on the cleaner’s choice in Irish comedy”.

A reformed cat-burglar with 83 previous convictions, Pablo mended his ways to go on to study chartered accountancy at ‘some college down in the countryside’ (his words), before developing his interest in international banking and the funding of hedges. He has denied not being a lover of the show and not having a sense of humor, claiming that he is a massive comedy fan, enjoying legends of fun like British ’80s stars Little and Large and Cannon and Ball, ‘all the funny ads off the telly’, and especially ‘them redneck lads what do say funny things about lawnmowers and having long hair at the back’.

‘Mrs. Brown’s Boys’, a comedy created during the first Russian Revolution and shown twice on the hour on all 83 Irish channels ever since, was recently reported to have a global audience of 109 billion, and is particularly popular with people who don’t like other stuff, and lads who are in jail for doing mad things.

Sean Driscoll, a representative for the Irish Immigration Services, when asked by The Heraldy Press about the allegations regarding Mr. Dominguez-Burke’s status in the country said; ‘What?’ When we repeated the question, he replied; ‘Ah here, would you stop’.

Incidentally, Pablo’s attempt at taking off the ‘working class’ accent of the lad in the elevator was indeed atrocious.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture by Fidelma’s Hair Creations and Salads.

Immigrant Returns to Ireland Having Forgotten To Turn Off Immersion

Sunday, January 25th, 2015

longfodA New York-based immigrant from County Longford is to return home after just two weeks, having received some devastating news in the mail. Oliver Gormley (43), a carpenter from Ballymahon, left Ireland with his family (his father-in-law and eleven cousins) earlier this month to start a new life in the US. Having relinquished his position as a pipe-fitter with Bierhausen & Dausch, a Carlow-based stockbroking firm, Gormley packed his belongings, unsuccessfully applied for a refund from his local gym (‘Sure I was only after going once in two years, and that was to get change for the smokes machine in O’Hanlons’, he claimed) , collected his winnings at the Longford Ladies Bingo Extravaganza, and left for New York.

It was to be a brief sojourn however, for no sooner had he sat down for a few pints at Ted Donovan’s Saloon and Bistro-Grill Beer Garden (with Disco Bar) on Katonah Avenue in Woodlawn, that he was informed that there was a letter marked ‘Urgent’ waiting for him at his new apartment in Woodlawn. It was that most-dreaded of communications from the homeland that all immigrants fear; ‘Son, you forgot to turn off the immersion’.

Oliver’s mother, Betty Gormley (79), on a routine inspection of her son’s house in Ballymahon, noticed a peculiar warmth throughout the building. ‘I noticed a peculiar warmth throughout the building, so I did’, she claimed. Upon further inspection, when she realized that the condensation was forming on the inside of the windows and not the outside like it normally did, it dawned on her that her son had forgotten to turn off the immersion. Unable to climb the three stories to the attic where the hot press was located, and having fallen out with neighbors on both sides (the McKennas in the late ’50s over the non-return of a milking stool, and the Dwyers on Monday last for calling her son Oliver a ‘demented slut’) Betty’s only option was to contact her son in America.

Having booked thirteen tickets home for himself and his relatives, who didn’t mind coming back, according to Oliver; ‘Sure they thought America was shite anyway, no snooker clubs or nothing, and they kept missing ‘The Sunday Game’, he’s discovered a central heating bill for $14,812.91 waiting for him, as well as 214 bottles of 1% milk and 23 dozen eggs, having forgotten to tell the milkman he was leaving. He’d do it all again however, as ‘There’s a certain waitress I got the eye off in Woodlawn, that I wouldn’t mind gettin’ the other eye off, if you know what I mean’. We didn’t know what he meant, but he was most likely talking about Bonnie Dempsey, but she was only staring at him, because he’d walked into a Roscommon-owned bar wearing his Longford shorts (in January) and his ‘Roscommon Are Shite’ socks.

Words by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Derek ‘Turnbuckle’ Molloy’s (private collection).

 

Controversial Weatherman Predicts ‘Soft Oul’ Day, Thank God’

Friday, January 23rd, 2015

photoA veteran Irish meteorologist based in Missouri has gotten into trouble with his employers, after forecasting what he described as; ‘A soft oul’ day, thanks be to God’. Gerry Riordan, a 78-year-old weatherman who has worked at WKRC St. Louis for almost four hours, claimed that it was a mere; ‘Slip of the oul’ tongue, for the love of jayziz’, and meant no harm by the comment. The switchboard at the station is said to have been jammed, with operator Betty Dingle (91), being forced to work overtime to deal with almost seven complaints from a disgusted, harassed and shocked public.

A ‘soft day’, is, in the Irish vernacular, a term describing weather which is not quite dry, and not totally wet, usually a slightly misty day, with an occasional threat of rain, but still a chance of sunshine. It was however, too much to take for some viewers of the station, with local man Henry Jacobsen (14) claiming: ‘I didn’t actually see the broadcast, I was out on my skateboard, so you’d be better off asking someone else’.

It’s not the first time Riordan has hit the headlines. In 1953, he came second in a talent contest in Copenhagen with his version of one of Kelly Clarkson’s earlier hits, while in the early ’60s he was suspended without pay from his job as weatherman with Radio Nairobi, when telling listeners; ‘Surprise surbastardprize folks, it’s another sweltering afternoon in Nairobi’. He was also criticized for telling listeners of his satisfaction upon hearing that lightening had struck the home of his third wife Elaine Bagnall (22), of Wexford, partially destroying her collection of antique lampshades.

Among his more memorable quotes while announcing the weather on various television and radio channels over the years have been: ‘It’s hot as Satan’s underpants drawer here in Mullingar today’, a mistake as he was employed by Sri Lankan Airways at the time, and ‘Hurricane season has been cancelled for this year, ah no, I’m only messin’, yiz are all ****ed.’ Mr. Riordan is to be suspended from WKRC for the rest of the afternoon, though we wrote this yesterday, so he’s most likely back by now.

Words by Bosco Coppell, Picture by Dorothy’s Nails and Tangerines. 

 

 

 

 

‘Ah Here, Leave It Out’, To Be Dublin’s New Official Motto

Saturday, January 17th, 2015
Dublinnewcrest

Ah Here, Leave It Out.

In a somewhat surprising move, members of Dublin City Council have voted the expression; ‘Ah Here, Leave It Out’ as the official motto for Dublin City and County, and from January 21st, the phrase will appear on all legal Dublin documentation, replacing; ‘Story, Bud’, which has been a staple of the Dublin language since 1746. The wording will also be seen on flags, bus and train schedules, decorative items (such as ashtrays, beer glasses, toothbrushes, t-shirts etc), advertizing hoardings and tracksuits. The expression has already been phased in throughout certain sections of the county, with one housing estate in east Blanchardstown and residents of a small field on the outskirts of Castleknock already having accepted it following an online poll.

The saying came in with 83% of the total vote, though Enda Kenny’s Government allowed residents of certain towns to vote as often as they liked, allegedly to make up for the recently-introduced controversial laws banning the racing of piebald ponies in built-up areas, as well as a partial ban on the sale of horsemeat in those same areas. When asked to give an opinion on the matter, local ‘livestock merchant’,  Buttons ‘Dermot’ McCabe (43), said: ‘I will in me hole’.

Other sayings suggested as the county’s official motto were ‘Where The Girls Are So Pretty’, nominated by the Dublin Society for the Partially-Sighted, ‘Come On You Boys in Blue’ by the Gardai Siochana (Dublin division), ‘Get Out of that Garden’, put forward by Deco, Macker and Henno from Ballyer, and ‘Meath is a Dirty Oul’ Kip’, also by Deco, Macker and Henno.

The phrase, believed to have been derived from the saying: ‘Ah for the love of Jayziz, will yeh cop on and leave it out’, was first heard in its entirety in the summer of 1976, as the Montreal Olympics were in full swing, and Ireland were winning nothing; ‘As per bleedin’ usual’, according to one local sportswriter. Apologies for the unnecessary use of the word ‘bleedin’, there, but there’s no backspace on this keyboard, so we must simply press on. With Dublin leading the way in the nation’s sports, politics, media and cross-dressing karaoke restaurants, it was only natural that it be the first county to move with the times and introduce a new motto to herald in 2015.

Words by Bosco Coppell. Picture by Damian Falstaff. 

US News Channel Warns of Irish Religious Extremism

Thursday, January 15th, 2015

Conor-McGregor-4

A week after a ‘conservative commentator’ in the US was criticized for claiming that English city Birmingham had become a ‘no-go’ area for non-practicing Muslims, another right-wing activist has allegedly suggested that Ireland was becoming a breeding ground for individuals of a similar religious persuasion. In recent weeks, claims self-proclaimed ‘terror expert’ Dermot Lopez, several ‘angry bearded chaps’ (ABCs) had been spotted in Ireland, some, he claimed, worryingly close to the pinnacle of Irish society.

Indeed, it was just last Wednesday that Steve Emerson, a previously unheard-of expert in rabble-rousing and scaring folk with made-up stuff, stated that English cities had become over-run with certain religious types, with a number of the more famous and glamorous towns, such as London, Liverpool. Manchester and Doncaster, having a Muslim population of just over 104% each. Indeed, Manchester was alleged to contain more Buddhists than people, while London had become even scarier than when Catholics ruled the city for several hours after St. Swithin’s Day of last year.

darcybeard

Angry Bearded Man steals ball and runs away pushing people.

It has been an ongoing worry, claims Lopez, himself a true-blue American, who is able to trace his family tree all the way back to 1987. Just several weeks ago, another ABC (pictured at top of report) was allowed travel to the United States, where, local types claimed he; ‘Bait the lard out of some other lad’. This, incredibly, was cheered on by an attending crowd, and watched on television by millions, with Lopez, a long-time Facebook friend of one of Sarah Palin’s closest advisers, David Milton (8), disgusted at the proceedings.

‘I am worried for a fine commonwealth such as The Northern Irish Ireland and it’s more southerly neighbor The Irish Republic of Ireland South, as well as, of course, the more easterly and westerly sides, I don’t recall what they’re called, becoming overrun by such zealous religious and political fanaticism. I was an honorable guest of a close personal Facebook friend of mine, where I watched a rugby game with, via Skype, and was dismayed to see one of these ABCs (above) allowed contest the game. Several times he angrily stole the ball from the other gentlemen, and ran away with it, all the time, maintaining his angry face and flowing beard. It ruined the performance for me, and thousands of the fans watching, who were clearly annoyed at this man’s behavior. Worryingly though, thousands of other fans, seemed happy, concerning times indeed’.

tommybeard

Angry bearded chap shouts at big crowd of laughing people.

Ireland, one of the more Catholicized countries east of Pennsylvania Dutch Country, has witnessed a major expansion where other religions are concerned, with Buddhists now outnumbering Christians by a scoreline of 18-1 in some of the more Buddhist-orientated regions of the nation’s designated Chinatown districts. As one avid viewer of said news channel claimed, when we asked him what he thought of Ireland’s current political and religious climate, he said something about change being merely part of a liberal vagina, though we think he meant agenda, before shouting; ‘USA!! USA!!’. With the extreme, fanatical bearded ones now allowed have their own comedy shows, and one even running for President in recent years. Ireland’s reputation as one of the Vatican’s favorite retreats for a few pints and an oul’ prayer, is in serious jeopardy.

norrisbeard

Angry Bearded Almost Presidential Chap.

keanobeard

Angry Bearded Chap Who Fears No Man.

 

Words (and numbers) by Bosco Coppell.