Author Archive

Big Hand, Little Hands.

Thursday, March 2nd, 2017
Will this be the day, when he pulls his hand away,
And decides to walk on like a man.
No longer a baby, nor a toddler but maybe,
I’ll hold on as long as I can.
With the passing of years, and the changing of gears,
As the journey from childhood moves quicker,
He’ll turn round and wave, and still think that I’m brave,
But inside my worries get thicker.
He’ll walk in with his friends, to the school he attends,
As he strives to become educated,
And as the door closes, I’ll try smell the roses,
But I’ll stand there, just feeling deflated.
It’ll happen some day, the thoughts won’t go away,
When he’ll no longer be my small boy,
‘Till then I’ll keep walking, and playing and talking,
And the childhood days left I’ll enjoy.

English Fans Vote to Leave Euros in Fear of Embarrassing Penalty Shootout Loss

Monday, June 27th, 2016
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England football fans upon hearing that other nationalities will be involved at the Euros.

Fans of the England football team have voted to leave the European Championships, in fear of losing out yet again in a penalty-kick shootout. So far, over 27 supporters have left France for Doncaster, Rotherham, Hull and Sunderland, with another 9,000 to join them, once they are released from French prisons. The players will follow suit, after they lose out to Iceland in yet another heartbreaking loss on penalties on Monday afternoon (Grimsby Mean Time).

The decision was made, when it was revealed that England had lost their previous 27 shootouts at major tournaments, and even though Gareth Southgate and Chris Waddle, who had missed 43 and 7 penalties for England respectively, were not chosen in the squad due to them both being in their late ’70s, football chiefs at the FA, the fans, the players and ’80s commentators ‘Saint & Greavsie’, believe it is time to call it quits, before yet another crushing defeat.

Reporters at Britain’s tabloid papers are disappointed, as they’d already prepared headlines referring to the players which they’d adored two weeks ago, as a useless pack of overpaid bastards, who couldn’t score in a brothel with a truckload of sterling, or even a currency that wasn’t completely worthless.

 

Orlando 5-0  

Saturday, June 25th, 2016

california-beach-bonfire3

A man, and another, a song, a dancefloor.
A man, and his lover, a gunshot, a roar.
A man, he’s a brother, a nephew, a friend.
A man, of a mother, not his time to end.
It’s senseless, it’s ludicrous, we’re angry, we’ll cry,
It’s happening, and America’s too tired to ask why,
It’s schoolkids, just starting their journeys in life,
It’s a husband out working, in love with his wife.
Just dancing, enjoying a warm summer night,
Just feeling that aura of love at first sight,
Just thinking of futures that now are no more,
Just watch as a world lets its feelings outpour.
Light candles, sing songs, of love, peace, good times,
Just dancing, just loving, no horror, no crimes.
No laughter, no heartbeat, no walks on the beach,
But hope that an end to the hatred, we’ll reach.

Trump Considering Eastern Wall to Keep Irish Out

Saturday, April 16th, 2016
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(Left to Right) Unidentified Orange Object, Donald Trump.

A representative for Donald Trump has refused to deny claims that the tycoon is considering the construction of a wall on the US’s east coast, to prevent Irish immigrants from entering the country illegally. The controversial presidential-hopeful has already angered millions of immigrants, particularly those who don’t own ladders, by claiming he will build a wall along the border between Mexico and the US, to stem immigration to the US, if elected President.

The Trump camp claims that such immigrants are keeping vital in-demand careers, such as desirable positions in the fields of potato-peeling, fruit-picking, pot-washing, tyre-pumping and advanced orthodontistry, from hard-working Americans, such as the wives and ex-girlfriends of his who weren’t from the Czech Republic. His idea for a wall along the Canadian border however, has arrived several years too late, as Canadians such as Ted Cruz and Celine Dion have already moved to the US.

A wall running from upstate New York, down to Florida’s panhandle, would, he suggested, prevent Irish immigrants from landing in the US, unless of course, they decided to fly into the country, rather than arrive by boat, which could initially cause problems. Trump-supporter Sarah Palin, has suggested building another wall, along the border of Ireland and North Dakota, to prevent leprechauns from stealing American jobs at Disneyland. Palin went on to use the Great Wall of China as an example. ‘Lookee what happened there, you don’t see folks from New Zealand or Westmeath pitchin’ their wagons and climbing over the Great Wall of Chicago’.

Should the eastern wall go ahead, there are 812 construction firms battling for the contract, one from Paraguay, the rest from County Offaly.

 

 

NYC’s Museum of Modern Art Seeks Lucan’s ‘Garbage Artists’ for Display

Friday, April 15th, 2016
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‘Chillin’ In Me Outside Gaff’ (Artist unknown).

In what has been described as a surprising move in the arts world, New York City’s Museum of Modern Art could soon be including among its display, a work by an unknown, but highly-regarded artist from County Dublin. In recent days, a four-dimensional piece, provisionally titled, according to a representative for the mysterious sculptor; ‘Chillin’ In Me Outside Gaff’, has been whipping up an artistic storm in creative circles, both nationally, and globally.

An assistant curator at the prestigious New York artistic hub, Dr. Harvey Goldberg, claimed that such an example of simplistic originality was rare during this practically artless era, where a vacuum of such intensity may well be filled by creative wizards such as the Lucan-based phenomenon, who so far, is known only as ‘Anto’. The piece, comprising of a number of ‘living room’ type objects, such as a couch, easy chair, lamp and side-table, have been arranged at an outdoor spot in Lucan. The scene is popular with courting couples, lads who do dump stuff where they shouldn’t be dumping it, and blokes who do be legging it from the Gardai after doing something unsavory in the village, like breaking stuff, or not paying for their snackboxes and running off.

An appeal has been launched by the museum, to determine the artist’s identity, especially before them lads over at the Louvre (the Paris one, not the one in Wexford), get wind of the situation, as there have been several French accents heard recently on Tandy’s Lane, discussing the positioning of some discarded Monster Munch bags.

Tiffany from Eastenders to Buy Foxhunter Site

Thursday, April 14th, 2016
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Martine McCutcheon

Following the recent news that consumer giant Avoca would not be opening a retail outlet in Lucan, it has been rumored that another illustrious name may be interested in investing in the site. Martine McCutcheon, the actress who played Tiffany Mitchell on BBC soap opera ‘Eastenders’, is said to be expanding her agricultural machinery empire, and a Lucan plant may be in her plans. McCutcheon starred in ‘Eastenders’ for 36 years, leaving just before her 55th birthday, in 2003. In the series, her character was killed off when she was thrown from a hot-air balloon by boxing promoter Dot Cotton. A popular addition to the show, she had several traumatic storylines, such as when she gave birth to septuplets, several of whom weren’t hers, marrying ‘bad boy’ Ken Barlow, and her ongoing feud with Compo from ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. Recently spotted clubbing with Patsy Palmer, who played her pal Bianca Jackson on the show, and Morgan Freeman, McCutcheon is no stranger to Lucan, having driven through it twice in the late ’80s. If the sale goes ahead, it will be her 48th such agricultural machinery plant, though all the others are based in Kilcock. – By Brian Hagan.

RTE Stars to Strike for Luas-Style Wages

Thursday, March 17th, 2016
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Ryan Tubridy, yesterday.

RTE stars Joe Duffy and Ryan Tubridy are reportedly planning to strike, unless their wages are raised to the level of the Luas tram workers. A spokesperson for the broadcasters, has confirmed that neither they, nor Miriam O’Callaghan, Pat Kenny or Marian Finucane, will work Easter Sunday, Christmas Day or the first day of the sales at Lidl/Aldi, unless their demands are met.

Finucane’s representatives have gone on to confirm that the veteran radio show host, and her colleagues, will only continue with their employment, if they receive their requested rate of fourteen Euro per hour, with partial dental coverage, and half-price tickets to the Christmas pantomime at the Olympia.

The last time such a dispute occurred at RTE, was in 1945, when all the company’s broadcasters, hosts and actors striked, requesting that they be paid as much as US President Harry Truman. This left Twink, Philomena Begley and Mr. Crow, a sock-puppet from children’s television show ‘Wanderly Wagon’, to read the news. The fourteen people who owned televisions at the time in Ireland, did not believe World War 2 had ended, as they refused to take Twink seriously as a newscaster. It took confirmation from Mr. Crow, and his co-puppet, Bosco, to convince them.

Derek McSweeney, a Luas tram-operator from Lucan, County Dublin, said that his 650,000 Euro a year salary was justified, as; ‘Sure there’s loads of buttons I do have to be pressin’ and all so there is’. Tubridy, who is reported to have failed the Luas driving test eleven times, was unavailable for comment, but a representative for the star told us to ‘Go and sh*te’.

Vincent Browne, over at TV3 meanwhile, is already earning a similar salary to that of a Bus Eireann apprentice (3rd year) mechanic, so he’s, reportedly ‘sorted’.

By Bosco Coppell.

 

Lucan Hands Back Rights to McGregor

Monday, March 7th, 2016

Conor-McGregor-4An Irish town has withdrawn its claim for Conor McGregor, after the former champ’s recent round of ‘bollock-acting’. Officials from Lucan, County Dublin have claimed that they would consider selling McGregor-related bragging rights back to Crumlin, should the glory days not return by next Tuesday. His recent messing has left Lucan scrambling for a new sporting hero to idolize, with local experts looking into the ancestry of Leitrim corner-forward Oliver Fitzgibbon, legendary soccer stars Phil Babb and Zico and snooker player Willie Thorne. One of whom may even get to be Grand Marshal at this year’s Saint Patrick’s Day Parade, if they can’t find a Lucan-based politician to do so.

One McGregor fanatic, Jason Henderson, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said; ‘I’ve been a fan of McGregor for ages, I do watch his matches on the telly even, sometimes, if I’ve not had too many scoops like’. Henderson, a thrice-married darts player from Walkinstown, now a true Lucanite who has lived there nearly three months, has three kids and nine cousins, and rides a Raleigh Burner (with chrome mag wheels), went on to say that local Facebook group, Lucan Living wasn’t a true indicator of the views, feelings and religious persuasions of the people of Lucan. ‘Think they’re great so they are, with their Facebook page and their, em, biscuits, and that’.

Other favorites to claim McGregor’s birthrights from Lucan, are Enniscorthy, Mullingar (where 896 former Lucanites have migrated to, due to its sunnier climate and cleaner beaches) and Blanchardstown.

 

Sarah Palin Reaches Out To New Irish Party

Friday, February 26th, 2016

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lucinda

Conservatives on both sides of the Atlantic rejoiced over the weekend, after American right-wing icon Sarah Palin (pictured on left) attempted to contact her alleged Irish counterpart, Lucinda Creighton (right), in a bid to wish Miss Creighton luck in the Irish General Election.

The plan was in vain however, as Mrs. Palin, despite being a ‘really good counter’, miscalculated the time difference between Alaska and County Carlow. Instead, she wound up calling the US Space Station ‘Fortitute’, eleven miles above the Arizona desert. Here she was kept on hold for four hours, as the astronaut, a lifelong Democrat was ‘otherwise engaged’. It was an expensive error, which will cost the US tax-payer $441,009, as the US has no long-distance telephone agreement with outer space.

Miss Creighton, meanwhile, a much-loved occasional politician who departed the ruling Irish parliamentary party Fine Gael, allegedly due to that party’s refusal to make daily mass-going compulsory, has since established her own organization, called ‘Renua’, which roughly translates as ‘New Re’.

New members are encouraged, with recent inductees being awarded a $41 cash prize, a barely-used bicycle and the opportunity for one’s first eleven children to be baptized half-price at Saint Gordon’s Catholic Church in Enniscorthy, County Wexford.

Miss Creighton’s party is the 23rd such organization to have been formed in Ireland since last Thursday, and will, if it gathers the support it expects, last until at least until the end of the Easter holidays. Currently it is the 19th most popular party in Wexford, and also has two supporters in the Isle of Man.

The similarities between Palin and Creighton, are seemingly endless. Both enjoy traditional Christian behavior, though while the American enjoys murdering bears with automatic weapons fired from a hovering helicopter, the Irishwoman prefers mass. Both are females who hope one day to move into politics, the two are avid readers, with Palin favoring every newspaper in the entire world, while Creighton enjoys perusing the newsletter of whichever parish she happens to be campaigning against 21st century values in at the time.

Healthcare is of the utmost importance to the Irish party, with vaccinations promised to cure individuals from mumps, rickets, rubella and homosexuality. The American however, feels US President Barack Obama, has destroyed America, with his attempts at allowing poorer folk access to medical assistance, suggesting instead, that each household has a medium-sized box of band-aids (plasters), each of which must be washed before reusing. We tried to contact Mrs. Palin’s office, but her spirit was too busy soaring with delight as her patriotic heart beat with pride when she looked at her supporters praying, reflecting, misspelling stuff and drunkenly brawling, to deal with the likes of us.

Words by: Bosco Coppell, Pictures found in a canal by Rusty Henderson.

 

Humans of Lucan 1 (Marian’s story)

Wednesday, February 10th, 2016

farmgirl“I’ve fond memories of Lucan. We moved there in ’62, from Sligo’s mainland, and stayed until 1976, when we relocated to Enniscorthy, which sounds glamorous, being just a four-hour walk to the beach, but Lucan remains my spiritual home. I remember as little girls, we’d purchase our fishing tackle in Cormack’s shop, then go on to Saunders’ newsagents on the Main Street, and buy our ‘Mandy’ and ‘Bunty’ comics, and bags of Rancheros of course! We used to buy fizzle sticks too, remember them? They were great, until they were found to have horse tranquilizer or something in them. One time, we were walking home and we found a massive box of Monster Munch, by that little wall separating the road and Sarsfield Park. It must have fallen off a truck or something, but sure, we didn’t care. We ate all 48 bags, me and me sisters. It turns out they were several years out of date. Janey, I was sick as a camel. I puked me ring up outside the Italian Embassy, and the Garda brought me home. He’d no car neither, so he had to give me a backer on his oul’ bike. Ah, I must’ve looked a right state, me poor mother was mortified, I was still in me good communion dress and all. Swervin’ all over the road on the back of a copper’s bike, with sick all over the kip, the neighbors thought it was some laugh too. Bastards. Still, I’d move back there tomorrow, but they’re after buildin’ loads of houses in the field we used to live in, so they are”.