Irishwoman Braces for Arctic Circle’s Worst Snowstorm Since This Morning

January 23rd, 2016

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An Irishwoman living in the village of Ernsk, a small hamlet just meters from the magnetic North Pole, is preparing herself for the area’s worst snowstorm since earlier this afternoon. Olivia Hannon (that’s not her in the accompanying photo, it’s some other lady having an oul’ laugh in the snow), an 84-year-old native of County Longford, is at risk of losing her home, a two-bedroom mansion situated in a tree behind the village’s only bar/restaurant, The Freezin’ Kip. The thrice-divorced Olivia moved to the region in the mid ’80s in search of love (‘All the nice lads in Longford were either married, emigrating, elderly or from Roscommon’, she says), and stayed. Just after both of the town’s locals finished watching tape-delayed footage of Dennis Taylor’s 1985 Snooker World Championship Final win this morning, the area witnessed almost 11 feet of snow fall, beating the previous day’s record by almost four inches. Homes, livestock and possessions are in danger of being lost, and the bar’s beer garden may also be forced to close after lunch for an hour or two.

Irishwoman Braces for Arctic Circle’s Worst Snowstorm Since This Morning

January 23rd, 2016

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An Irishwoman living in the village of Ernsk, a small hamlet just meters from the magnetic North Pole, is preparing herself for the area’s worst snowstorm since earlier this afternoon. Olivia Hannon (that’s not her in the accompanying photo, it’s some other lady having an oul’ laugh in the snow), an 84-year-old native of County Longford, is at risk of losing her home, a two-bedroom mansion situated in a tree behind the village’s only bar/restaurant, The Freezin’ Kip. The thrice-divorced Olivia moved to the region in the mid ’80s in search of love (‘All the nice lads in Longford were either married, emigrating, elderly or from Roscommon’, she says), and stayed. Just after both of the town’s locals finished watching tape-delayed footage of Dennis Taylor’s 1985 Snooker World Championship Final win this morning, the area witnessed almost 11 feet of snow fall, beating the previous day’s record by almost four inches. Homes, livestock and possessions are in danger of being lost, and the bar’s beer garden may also be forced to close after lunch for an hour or two.

Always Faithful, Always Loyal*

January 11th, 2016
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His eyes have closed,
He’s resting now,
And from this world,
He takes his bow.
We think of the things he has done,
That he’s seen.
This brother, this father,
This son, this Marine.
A mysterious man, unlike so many others,
At ease when with family or his Band of Brothers.
A humble individual, without airs or graces,
We’re left with hearts broken and tear-battered faces.
The reasons he left us, we’ll not find out why,
Just picture him smiling, he’ll call Semper Fi*.
The courage, the heart, that incredible mind,
Have left us for elsewhere, we’ll always rewind,
To the years he was there when we were afar
And now when he’s needed just look for a star.
A leader, a warrior, a father of five,
It’s our turn to battle, keep memories alive.
We’ll mourn for him, talk of him, love him the same
Always Faithful, Always Loyal, Bob was his name.
*’Always Faithful’ or ‘Always Loyal’, is what ‘Semper Fi’, the US Marines motto, roughly translates as.

Owner of ‘Burton Boat’ Denies Any ‘Bollock-Acting’.

December 31st, 2015
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The ‘Tainted Gibbon’, just before setting sail on its maiden voyage in County Kilkenny.

The owner of ‘The Tainted Gibbon’, the sailing vessel which occasional politician Joan Burton fell from on Tuesday last, has denied any wrongdoing,and claimed that any damage must be paid for by the Irish Government, or, as he was quoted himself; ‘By yer one what broke me boat by fallin’ inteh the oul’ water’. Dessie Gilbert, a native of Lucan, County Dublin, has been in the boat-hire business since Tuesday last, and rented the kayak, a 12-foot vessel with, according to Mr. Gilbert, a kitchen, four beds, washer/dryer, microwave and trampoline, to the Labour Party the day before the incident, obtaining a nine Euro deposit for the rental. The horrific crash however, has left damage to the boat at a cost of almost 92,000 Euro, not including labor costs to, as Mr. Gilbert put it; ‘Fix that dirty oul’ hole what the water keeps coming in and making the carpets all damp’. He also claims that all the kayak’s supposed luxuries, such as the aforementioned washer/dryer and trampoline, a snooker table, a toasted sandwich maker and an egg-whisk, have not been recovered from the murky waters which the ship capsized into. Mrs Burton was unavailable for comment, but one man who witnessed the entire incident unfold said; ‘Stop lookin’ at me, I seen nothin’.

Guy Who Got Into Metal Two Weeks Ago Distraught as Lenny from Radiohead Dies

December 29th, 2015
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A heavy metal fan, last week some time.

A self-described ‘metal head’ from County Longford is said to be in mourning, following the tragic passing of rock icon Lenny, from Radiohead. Declan Flavin (29), with an address that made little sense to the trained eye, claimed to have over 40 hard rock songs on his iPod, and when his brother gives him back his Dire Straits “Sultans of Swing” tape, that total will edge towards 51, once he figures out how to get cassettes onto his laptop. “I’ve been into metal and rock since this weeks, but sure, Black Sabbath or the Deaf Leopards, they never tour the Irish midlands, so I gave artists who do play that easy listening oul’ country shite a chance first, as them oul bollockses do be always playing the halls around here, so they are, like”. When told of the tragic passing of Lemmy, from Motorhead, Flavin corrected us and said that it was Lenny; “Sure what’s Lemmy short for, Lembert? Cop on, would yeh?”

Where Oscar Rests (A Tribute to Paris).

November 17th, 2015

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There’s a tower over there, where lovers propose,
And barges filled with tourists, where a famous river flows.
An historic painted lady with an enigmatic smile,
For now, they’ll take a back seat, as we stop and mourn a while.

An Irish wit, a French chanteuse, a US lizard king,
Resting for eternity, with millions visiting,
A city with horizons, resplendent with an Arc,
And now 10,000 candles, will help it through the dark.

A brave Resistance fighting bad, a Legion known all over,
Beaches that ended heroes’ lives, they now rest under clover,
A city known for history, for love, for wondrous fashion,
Why it was picked for terror, this city charged with passion.

The Tower’s there, the Arc still too, the lady’s always grinning,
The river flows, as do the wines, the world will keep on spinning,
The souls still rest in famous graves, and will for the rest of time,
But now they’re joined by hundreds more, a devastating crime.

Karen’s Story – Missouri, formerly Westmeath.

November 13th, 2015

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“I always wanted to be a writer, I found it a very glamorous occupation. You know, like Ernest Hemingway, or James Joyce, or the lady in ‘Murder She Wrote’. So, after I finished school, I got a job with our local parish newsletter. Admittedly, it was hardly the New York Times, or the Westmeath Express, but it was a start. After a few months, I was in charge of their personals column, you know, the ‘Births, Marriages and Deaths’ listings. Well, one time, I noticed my old geography teacher. Bernie Gibbons, had passed away. I never liked him. He once convinced me that the capital city of Spain was Sligo, and that rain was formed by seagulls having a slash on the clouds. So, just for a laugh, after all the details, you know, of his passing, and where he was to be buried and all that, I added the words; ‘Even though he was a stupid oul’ bastard who had an awful smell of damp curtains off him’. It was only meant as a joke, but his wife went mad and she had me fired. Sure some people have no sense of humor. Seemingly his little granddaughter Emma, was heard at the funeral mass asking what an oul’ bastard was. I emigrated shortly afterwards, now I’m employed at a small diner in Missouri, mostly doing egg-scraping related activities. It’s shite, but they let me keep the broken eggshells, which I use for my artwork, you know, collages and that. They’re grand, but they start to smell after a while, I suppose I should start washing the egg bits out of the shell first’. – Karen (23), formerly Westmeath, now Missouri.

 

 

Boris’s Story – Longford, now Nebraska.

November 13th, 2015

12241181_762150600580974_6785360173898794450_n “Back in Longford I was obsessed with movies. I particularly loved the so-called ‘Golden Age’ of Hollywood, you know, when the real stars were out there, like Katherine Hepburn, Cary Grant, Joan Crawford, Bette Davis, James Stewart and Emilio Esteves. It was Emilo who inspired me to become an actor. I’d seen both his films, ‘Young Guns 2′ and the other one, I can’t remember its name, he played a kid in detention, with Judd Nelson,and Molly Ringwald, I think Gregory Peck and Marilyn Monroe were in it too. Anyway, brilliant it was, it made me want to be either an actor, or a kid in detention, that one. When we moved to America, from Ballymahon, County Longford back in the early ’90s, I set about becoming an actor and meeting Emilio, so I started acting classes, and wrote letters to every Emilio Esteves that I could find in our phone book. There was only one of them, so that was easy enough. It wasn’t him though, this Emilio Esteves was a plumber from Nicaragua. I gave up on the meeting Emilio dream after a while, but imagine my surprise when I found that years later that I’d been misspelling his name all that time, so the letter-writing campaign had been in vain. Emilio spells his name with a ‘z’ at the end, not an ‘s’. I’m an awful eejit, amn’t I?” – Boris (51), formerly Longford, now Nebraska.

Simon’s Story (New York City, formerly Donegal).

November 13th, 2015

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“When we were kids in County Donegal, we’d have great fun, just running in fields near our houses, playing in the streams, and even when we were naughty, robbing orchards. It’s a bit different in the South Bronx. I’ve been chased by hungry dogs nine times this week, and had my stomach pumped twice after breathing in too much of the local air, but I suppose it’s a less innocent time. We moved here in ’89. My Mam and her friends, well, they’d had enough, with Irish politics, the economy, and that bastard Rick Astley and his ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ song on the radio all the time. So, we moved here, it’s a bit better, only then they started hating Glenn Medeiros, remember him? He sang ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You’, awful shite altogether. Nowadays Mam and her sisters sit out in their deckchairs in the car park at Target, throwing stones at anyone they see who likes Justin Bieber, or even someone just wearing a hat, they hate people who wear hats”. – Simon, formerly Donegal, now New York City.

 

Dorothy’s Story (formerly Longford, now South Dakota).

October 16th, 2015

tumblr_mdfl1hSJsT1qmk5sn“Numbers were my specialty, I could count to 23 from the age of 7, but my reading and writing, well, they needed improvement. I enjoyed maths in school a great deal, so I decided that I wanted to work with numbers in some capacity. When leaving school, I noticed an ad in the local newspaper in Longford, advertizing a course to learn bookkeeping. I was so excited, I signed up right away. I was disturbed however, when, on the first day, the teacher lectured us about allergies, and how to treat rashes, stings and so on. I thought it highly unusual. On our second day, he brought some guest speakers in, who discussed honey, its uses, and how to manufacture it. I was a little angry, as what had this got to do with bookkeeping and finances? It was only three weeks later, when me and the other students were fitted for beekeeping uniforms, that I realized my poor spelling had struck again, and it wasn’t a bookkeeping course I’d signed up for. I moved to South Dakota some time later, more out of embarrassment than anything. I’m still interested in numbers, but when I see a jar of honey, a Winnie the Pooh toy or hear a bee, I burst into tears”. – Dorothy (49), formerly Longford, now South Dakota.